Pieces of Happiness - Week 5

So far, these past 5 weeks of prayer have been a huge blessing in which God has been unbelievably kind to me. As I reflect over the past month, thinking of the people I’ve met, the experiences I’ve shared, and the observing of the Lord’s good work I’ve got to do (no matter how subtle), I can’t help but be in awe of the masterpiece He’s writing. I am extremely grateful to have the ability to see God moving in this life and can’t thank Him enough for the inclusion I feel in His kingdom, despite my fleshly resistance in moving forward.

I began this week as a witness to many people being baptized in the name of the Lord, declaring before others that Christ is He, and that their heart was now His. It brought tears to my eyes as I saw the joy radiating from their soul, listening to the words of praise they gave our Father, as they basked in His love. Even through these individual declarations of faith I could see others grow closer to God while my heart did the same. On this morning God was responding to my recent prayers. True He may not have been answering my prayers, but He was definitely responding. He opened my heart in reminding me that while I may pray for a specific path, His path always makes more sense.

            Desiring to walk that path more and more I take a look at my steps and think about my effort (an effort that will quite possibly always feel short). My personal alone time with God was even less than it was last week. Yes I got the daily Word in, wrote 3 letters to God, and was able to share a nervously audible prayer with a close friend but part of me feels like there could have been more. While I am thankful for the time spent in dedication to Christ, I have to admit that I opted out of two events, which held the potential to benefit my Spiritual growth. I didn’t often come to Him nightly, or say good morning when I woke, or even give more than 10 minutes of quiet attention in trying to listen to Him.

            Talking with a friend this week, He told me the key to everything is listening. His words pierced my heart. Listening… yes, of course! He’s absolutely right. Speaking to God may be an important part of growth, but listening to Him is even more so. I’ve never been good at resting in silence to wait for His voice, but I believe it’s possible to do, I even believe it’s something I want to do, but my efforts along with my actions refute that.

            Starting this project I was intent on seeking out Godly experiences and spending large amounts of time in prayer with Him. I feel like I haven’t done that yet. I can’t say there’s been no seeking, but it hasn’t been fervently. I can’t say there’s been no time in prayer, but it hasn’t been considerable. As I think about the longings of my heart, I have to consider the ways I’m holding myself back. My words may profess the desire to live for Christ, but how much of my actions really demonstrate that? I may claim to be a follower of Christ, but am I just a fan?

            Now those words might be a bit too critical especially when I pause to think about all the ways God has graciously gifted me in being His vessel, but unfortunately and fortunately, I want more! Fortunately and unfortunately, I think that requires much more listening on my part and I’m praying for the regulation to do so. I’m asking for the ability to wake up in the morning and ask our Savior what He wants to do today, where He wants to go, and how He would like to use me. I’m asking for visions of clarity, movements of Spirit, and obedience of heart. Lord, give me eyes that see and ears that hear!

            This week I’d like to humbly ask you to join me in those prayers. I’ve always held a bit of a reservation about praying for myself, or asking others to pray for me, but I’m not gonna lie, Lord knows I need it. Our good God knows this so well, that I asked one friend to pray for me last night and another I hadn’t heard from in awhile texted me to tell me that she was. This kinda blew my mind. Not only is God listening to our prayers, whether we voice them or not, but His Spirit is putting those prayers in the hearts of others for us. Hallelujah!

            As I mentioned in opening this week, God has been unbelievably kind to me. Regardless of my self-doubts or criticisms, I’ve been happy in starting this new project and the places/conversations it’s brought me to. I delight in the ways that I’m craving more and feel like pieces of my life are being put into place so that I may live out not only what my heart desires, but also what God has planned for me long ago. If these 5 weeks have led me here, where are the next 47 going to take me? If I’ve experienced this much of God’s revealing grace in this past month alone, how much more is He going to reveal to me in the next 11? I can’t pretend like I know where I’m headed, but as I read this past week, “faith never knows where it is being led, but it loves and knows the One who is leading.”

            I’m more than excited about my future with God. I pray that while I persistently and patiently wait for it to get here, I be overjoyed in the present, learning more about Him, myself, and others. Though it may be true that I have a very limited view as to where I’m going, I am confident that if I go with God, it will be nothing but good.

            

Increasing Questions - Week 4

Last week I ended with a question that still stirs my soul... Do I want what God wants? If God is asking me to love Him completely, my neighbor as myself, and to go out and tell the world of my love for Him, the immediate answer is yes! Yes of course I want to love God with all I’ve got. Of course I want to love others as myself (even more than myself) and of course I want to tell the world what the Lord has done for me. Yes, yes, yes! However, now it seems that I’m faced with a different question… do I do it? I find this answer trickier than the last and impossible to answer without first asking more questions.

            What does it mean to love God with your all? I am convinced that loving God means having a full-blown relationship with Him and suggest we do this by including His already present heart into our company. Already God is constantly with us, whether we want Him there or not, and the Holy Spirit is residing within. Engaging with Him can be done in many ways and it may sound simple enough to hear, “ALL God is asking you to do is love Him.” However, maintaining a good working relationship with anyone is hard to do, especially when the other half (God) is perfect in all His ways. This means He is never wrong. Which means everything He’s chosen to share with us is for our benefit. While we may not like all He has already come to reveal, I believe the truth of the matter is, He tells us these things to protect our heart and allow for more room of Him in our lives.

           

Now, do I allow God to have room in my life and do I agree with everything He has already shared with us? Welp… I’m working on it. I’m asking God to help me love Him more. I’m asking Him to help me in my unbelief and strengthen my willing Spirit. I’m asking God to continue refining me while gently forgiving me along the way for my stubbornness, my wayward actions, and the worldly occupation of my mind. I struggle with desires of the flesh on a multitude of levels. I can feel the conflict in my soul while trying to determine what Christ would want for me and what would be best for my heart. I would be lying if I said I always chose what I thought Christ wanted. In fact, I would probably still be lying if I said I frequently chose what I thought Christ would want for me. Truth is… I’m more selfish than I want to admit and less giving of myself than I want to be.

The Lord tells us, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me.” (Matthew 16:24) I don’t know how much of myself I really deny, but then again I don’t know how much of myself doesn’t really want what God wants. Sure I wrestle with patience, treating my body as a temple, showing grace and compassion to others, along with many many many more things I’m sure we’ll discover throughout the year, but ultimately I trust my deepest desire is for all to know and love God (including myself).

So now, how do we get to know and love God? Well… I think it’s impossible to get to know who God is and not love Him. So how do we get to know Him? For me it’s reading His word, listening to what others have to say about Him, and sharing my thoughts as well. I try to surround myself with situations and people who glorify the Lord, and attempt to stay in communication with Him (an attempt that’s proving to be more difficult than I’d like).

Admittedly it wasn’t my strongest week in prayer. Though I wrote to the Lord once, said grace, and read His word, I can’t say I spent more than 12 hours total in personal alone time with Him. Nevertheless, unleashing His presence in conversation has been beautiful this week. It has challenged me in my beliefs, my speech, and my opinions of self. I’m coming to find that although I have some big discrepancies in my life that are hindering me from fully engaging with God, I want to be utterly, completely devoted to God. I want to be able to say that Christ is the only thing I need to be truly happy and that nothing else matters besides sharing what His life (and ultimately death) did for the world.

While it saddens me to say I’m not quite there yet, I rejoice in the fact that He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of His return. (Philippians 1:6) I may be wrestling with things that negate the “Christian religion” but how thankful I am that the Lord has chosen me to be His own and deeply cherishes me despite my faults. As He continues to reveal more of Himself, I continue to realize that He wants nothing more than to be loved, and that I am continually learning what that means.

I think in love we do things we might not be comfortable with, things that take us out of our comfort zone, and things that we would never imagine doing otherwise. We make sacrifices in life for the ones we love in order to benefit our relationship and are willing to change in order to grow in that devotion. Saying this, I have to remind myself that a sacrifice is defined as an act of giving up something valued for the sake of something else regarded as more important or worthy. If God made His valued sacrifice for us in Christ, how much more did He love the world than Himself? And if He can do that for me, shouldn’t I be willing to sacrifice abundantly more for Him?

Coming Clean - Week 3

There are numerous areas of Scripture that talk of praying as a way of life. We are gifted with words on how to pray, what to pray, when to pray, and what prayer can do. We are told not only that our prayers can heal, open doors, and restore, but also that we should constantly partake in this act, on all occasions for all people. (Ephesians 6:18) In thinking about these things, I wondered what makes it so difficult for me to engage in prayer when it all seems to be laid out? Why do I struggle in talking with God, when He seems to make it so easy for me?

            Taking some time to ponder these thoughts a few reasons stood out and then even more questions arose. Do I feel overwhelmed with the idea of praying constantly? Do I believe that I am truly speaking with God? And in addition, do I feel like my prayers actually make a difference?

            I realized that these added questions gave me more to pray about, but I can’t honestly say I paused to ask the Lord what He thought. Instead, this is how my mind chose to answer…

            Pray on all occasions, all the time, without ceasing!? Oy veh! I admittedly already have the tendency to feel like a crazy person in speaking of God as much as I do, but now the idea of constantly speaking with Him, puzzles me. How do you even go about praying all the time? Is there a need to begin each eternal thought with “Dear God...?” And do I need to mentally or verbally request my thoughts be directed towards heaven? I may not feel as if I’m talking to God at all, and it may be that I’m simply thinking about God, but it’s comforting and frightening to know that, “Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.” (Psalm 139:4) Whether I acknowledge my thoughts as prayers or not, it seems that God is already listening and that He truly knows my heart. (Psalm 44:21) These words lead me to suggest that everything we do, whether action or thought, is prayer. So why should we dedicate time to pray?

            If God knows everything, from beginning to end, and He’s known this everything since the time He created, why then is there a need for my prayer? What does it do if the victory is already won, and what difference does it make in the grand scheme of goodness that’s already promised? Mr. Timothy Keller writes a book on prayer that discusses this type of conversation as to know oneness with God and to bring in His kingdom here on earth. While I agree with these purposes for prayer, I can’t shake the selfish thought of, “what does it do for me,” as if there needed to be more than a coming kingdom or oneness.

            As I reluctantly search for more individual reasons to pray, I think about what my life was like before attempting to engage in conversation with God. Though it’s only been about 12 years since I began my walk with Christ and I can’t recognize mountains of change in personhood, I can definitely say there’s been a change in perspective. I’ve received wisdom in knowing who God is and courage to openly speak about it. While I used to be blind to the idea of more (more understanding, more purpose, more reason) I have been granted the ability to see and the ability to continue to grow in that. I have been blessed to see the light in the dark, the clarity in confusion, and the strength of brokenness. Now I may not completely understand why we have to endure the dark suffering of confusion in brokenness, but I do understand it shows us more of God’s love, if we are willing to look. I know that prayer for me (the little that I’ve experienced) has given me more than anything I’ve been looking for, more than anything I could have asked for. When I stop once more to ask what prayer has done, is doing, or will do for me, Timothy Keller’s discussion seems louder and more personal. Prayer again, allows us to know oneness with God and to bring in His kingdom here on earth.

            I realize that this may look different for everyone; at first glance it looked different to me. But everything I wrote about, the ways I’ve been opened, are all results of growing in the likeness, becoming as one, and being witness to His royal dominion, through prayer. There really is no other need. The two described purposes encompass a multitude of affairs. They give more understanding, more purpose, more reason, and in turn, give us the key to life. Knowing our Creator, our Sustainer, and our Savior. After that, all other things can fall into place. (Matthew 6:33)

            Having these revelations as I’m writing, I return to the first questions of the week. What makes it so difficult for me to engage in prayer and why do I struggle in talking with God? To be honest, I have to say I’m terrified. I’m scared that in giving my life, my thoughts, and my love away to Christ, there will be no room for me. There will be no satisfaction in this life because I’m living for a partner that I can’t seem to engage with in a visible, tangible, or audible way. I’m afraid that God will ask me to do more than I’m fleshly willing and that I’ll give up completely because I want what I want.

         However, the truth of the matter is, the Lord already asked me to do all that He was going to. He asked me to, “love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind,” (Matthew 22:37) and to, “go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.” (Matthew 28:19) Looking at these two things asked of me, I suppose the real question is… do I want what God wants?

The Abundant Ones - Week 2

     Dedicated prayer time is not easy! With so many daily distractions it’s hard for me to focus my mind and rest in God’s presence, let alone engage in conversation with Him. I often find that after 7-12 minutes of directed thoughts to God my mind starts to wander. Before I know it I’m recalling the days events or thinking about the cake I’m looking forward to eating later. Even in writing this article I’ve had a few moments where my brain fights to distract me from the communion my heart desires. This encompassing exercise is rather taunting and I’m becoming increasingly more aware of how the enemy works to fracture our relationship with God.

     I’ll admit, there wasn’t an abundance of time spent in prayer this week but there was definitely more than last (which still isn’t much). I even tried different avenues of speaking with God this week. There was a normalcy in the way I tried to have my first waking thoughts be a thankful good morning to God, but I can’t say even that was accomplished everyday. Actually, there was a point where I had to audibly cry out for my brain to stop the morning path it was on and focus all my energy to say a simple hello to our Lord. There was also limited nightly engagement (as usual) and an occasional asking of the Spirit to give me wisdom through reading His Word. These usual practices weren’t hefty by any means, but I got to experience something new in prayer as well.

     Tuesday night I sat down to write out my prayers for God. My hand hit the paper, starting with request. When I got to the third word my heart stopped. The first thing I came to God with in prayer was supplication? By no means am I saying there is ANYTHING wrong with beginning prayer in supplication. However, this year, I’m asking for more than just a coming of Kingdom. I’m also asking to experience more of Him. I crossed out my written words and began again.

“Lord, first and foremost, how lowly of me to come into Your presence with requests before praise. For You Good Father have shown me many blessings, not just today but all of my days. You have been merciful and graciously kind to me regardless of my transgressions.”

     The words that followed were just over half a page, filled with adoration, praise, and request for more. My love letter to God may not have been lengthy but it was fully engaged. I felt as if each word permeated my heart and the Spirit sat with me as we thought each line through.

     What was I trying to say to God? What did I want Him to hear? In this moment, I just wanted to love God. I wanted to let Him know that despite my negligent actions I adored Him. Christ may know the truth of my heart without words but making my affections audible also reminds me that this engagement is real. The love exchanged between the Trinity and I, is more potent than I know. I ended the minutes I spent with God telling Him what a good day I had. I then turned the page to ask for His coming in the lives of 12 people who were on my mind. This was helpful in the way I had to write out specific requests for each person before moving on to the next. I also had the added benefit of rereading this prayer a few times in the succeeding days. It gave me an opportunity to again pray for the 12 and connect me to the love I felt in that moment.

     Despite the feeling that there was no change in my prayer life, the Spirit tells me that isn't so. A growing change often doesn’t happen over night and I believe there’s a reason they say life’s a journey. Paul says in Colossians 4:2 “Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving.” As I work to increase the steadiness of my prayer, I rejoice in the fact that another week has come to a close and how the Lord has been so very kind to me. He has come in and out of conversation this week, helped me to carve out time for Him, and even answered prayer. That’s right, answered prayer!

     Recently I asked God a few times to send me someone I could give my recycling to. While this may not seem like much of an answered prayer to some (especially given where I live), last night He did just that! I walked downstairs to meet a visitor in my garage and someone walked by my gate, right in front of me, carrying a small gathering bag of bottles. This man had almost left my sight when God said to me, “there he is” and I barely let out a “hey,” as this man turned to me in curiosity. As I asked him if he wanted the two bags of recycling, his curious look changed from a “what do you want” type of curiosity, to a “could this be real” curiosity. I retuned back downstairs with the bags and the first thing I could manage to say to him was, “I’ve been waiting for you.” Now yes… these words do have the ability to be creepy… but it was as if they were the words he needed to hear. As if he believed he had been sent down that street on purpose. Could it be that God wasn’t solely answering my prayer in that gift? And if another prayer were answered in that exchange, would yet another one be answered in turn?

I think that's a beauty of God. In one answered prayer He can continue to answer further. His goodness exceeds our already aware knowledge of Him and His ability to shower us with love, as if we were the only one, is a constant.

A Journey in New Numbers - Week 1

   

     

     It's been some time since I finished my 365 Days of Happiness and Truth project and I've had this next venture on my heart for about the same. 365 days may have been listed as happy and true, but some of those numbers were anything but happy. There were annoying days where I felt like writing it off, days where I was too tired to research a connection, and days that my distance from God seemed so gaping that the last thing I wanted to do was spend time with Him. Though my days may not have been all happy, the truth still remained the same, and regardless of my emotional state, I was joyful to complete the year and thankful that the project was seen by many.

     I never realized just how much engagement I had with God during those 365 days. Not only was I sharing with others the truth about who God is, but the project also helped me grow closer to Him in ways I wasn’t even aware of. In ways I’m still not aware of. Needless to say (but still surprisingly), I quickly began to miss the time I spent with The Lord. So? I asked. Now what?

     While 365 days showed the positivity and sunshine of living with Christ, I wanted to engage in something that exposed a struggle, my struggle. I wanted to put my heart on display and disclose the wrestling that comes along with daily faith. As I thought about how to share the battle I’ve encountered while growing in my relationship with God, it also dawned on me that I wanted to continue learning what a life with Christ looks like. I wanted to learn more about how to be intimate with God and seek Him first above all things. Then it came to me… prayer!

     Though my prayer life has never been the strongest, I've been witness to what a life of in-depth prayer can do. I've seen an immediacy of answered prayers as God did remarkable things in my life and the lives of others. There’s been times when God's creation has made complete sense and times that I've encountered things I can't even begin to understand. I've experienced the large whisper of our Creator but am often saddened to say it's not a normal state of life for me. Now don't get me wrong, I read my Bible, I say grace for my meals, and I often talk to God, but do I ever really talk with Him? Do I ever really listen to what the Lord is saying and does He ever really hear me? 

     Over the past month I’ve read a couple books on prayer, gathered ideas on what it looks like to pray, and did a little research on the practice of prayer, but it never dawned on me to ask what prayer means. Without having an educated answer, I urge to respond, prayer is a way of life, which incorporates God into every second of our conscious being. It means building a relationship with your best friend, your life companion, your eternal lover, and getting to know everything about Him, continually seeking Him out.

     As I toyed with the idea of prayer and contemplated what that meant, I asked myself if this was something I was strong enough to do? I wondered if I was capable of making that kind of commitment to something I’ve only begun to understand and if I was ready for my life to change? Well whether I’m ready or not, God is certainly ready. He’s been calling me deeper in Him still and I’ve hesitated long enough. I told Him I’d get to it, I told Him I’d think about it, I told Him I’m ready, and then I told myself I couldn’t do it. The Lord’s voice came to me in those thoughts, not in a big way, not in a small way, but in more of a felt way, and in that moment I felt the Spirit come to me with words saying, “let Me do it.”

     So here I am, embarking on a journey that I know can only lead me to a place I’ve never imagined. Asking God for His wisdom, clarity, discernment, strength, and mercy. Asking Him to help me learn what it looks like to talk to Him, and give me the voice to do so. I join David in asking, “Remember Your mercy, O Lord, and Your steadfast love, for they have been from of old. Remember not the sins of my youth or my transgressions; according to Your steadfast love remember me, for the sake of Your goodness, O Lord!” (Psalm 25:6-7)

     Ultimately I’d love for others to share their petitions to Christ with me, for others to relate to my strife, for the seed of life to be planted in foreign gardens, and for the whole bloom to come worldwide. In the meantime, I’m excited to discover the way our Lord and I converse, what He’s going to reveal to me, and the work He’ll allow me to be witness to and/or take part in. God has been extremely kind to me over the years. I’ve been taken places and experienced things I know served purpose. Beginning this 52 weeks of prayer, I thought it only fitting that I close this week with an attempt at conversation.

Lord, I invite You into this project. I give You praise and glory for giving me the idea to take this journey with You. I am thankful that You have called me through engagement and that You only look to go deeper with me. Please be with me as I spend time with You, allow the days to center around You, and guide me to a place that I can continually fix my thoughts upon You. May I ask for nothing more, than to hear You. May Your kingdom come here on earth as it is in heaven. Amen -