Writing about my life
in prayer has not been any easy process. I’ve struggled to find words both in
private and on paper to expand my continued growth and this week I come to a
point where I’d rather not finish this journey began. Almost half way through this
commited year, I find myself fighting against the good work being done in me.
Ready to put down my pen, I grow tired from focused discipline and question a
purpose for these weekly entries. I do anything I can to postpone this time of
engagement, distracting myself from sharing the things that God has so
generoulsy been providing. If this was my calling, would it be so difficult? If
Christ wanted to use me in this capacity, would I feel so worn? I can’t help
but think the answer is yes.
There were a few
changes in the normalcy of my prayer this week. Though I got to spend some time
with Jesus in the three letters I wrote Him, I also started a job that silenced
my verbal grace for the provisions of daily bread. Five days in a row I went to
lunch with my fellow coworkers and not once did I ask if they would join me in
prayer. Not once did I ask if they would mind. Each time we sat down for a meal
I became paralized in speech as I nervously commited our meals to Him in
private. Though it’s possible they knew I was talking to God, no one mentioned
it, and no one offered to join in. It’s in times like these I have to wonder
about my commitment to share the gospel and the bravery I really have with
faith.
Just last week I asked
two complete strangers to pray with me in passing but this week I wrestled with
the fact that I wanted nothing more than to pray aloud for these meals, not
having the courage to do so. How strange. Thankfully this gave me more to talk
to God about, asking for forgiveness in the ways I failed to bring up His name,
and shying away from the Truth of His supply. As I ask what I’m supposed to do
in a situation like this I can’t say I feel God was disappointed with my
reluctance, but I know I sure was. I gave in to insecurities and let the distant
customs of this world impair my close verbal relationship with Christ. How sad.
Luckily, there were
still moments of the week where God’s prevelance broke through my frailty at
work. I got to praise our Father for the blessing of stable health in the life
of my boss, mentioned a peace in prayer, and discussed the future of my
education in pursuit of His wisdom. Hallelujah for that! I’m excited to see how
Jesus is going to use me in this next seven months of work. What He’s going to
do in me and through me, what He’ll teach me in the process. For now, I ask
that my desire to engage with Him about it stays present and the surrendering
of my life to His will continues.
Despite the things I
consider set backs, it’s no surprise that God has still been communicating with
me and answering prayers in phenomenal ways. It is what He does afterall. For
the past couple weeks my nightly prayers have included guidance on education.
Which school I’m supposed to attend, where I should look for information, and
how in depth He would like me to go. After a week or so of asking for His
guidance, I still felt drawn to a particular institution that I had stopped
talking to nearly two months ago. I asked the Lord if it was in His will for me
to attend this school, that He would have them send me an email requesting my
enrollment. A few days later, He did just that! Not only did He have them send
me an email but it was from someone I hadn’t talked to before and now I’m in
the process of beginning a brand new adventure come May. For this I give praise
and for this I am in awe.
Our good God never
fails to amaze me. His revelatory ways astonish me and His kindness continues
to deepen my love for Him. Along with the answered prayer in education a friend
of mine was looking for direction in his new living situation. He called me one
day this week to tell me about an apartment he was going to look at and asked
me to pray about it for him. In that moment I asked Jesus to clear his path for
confirmation. As my friend started his drive to the new place, traffic
increased, and not in a small way. Time nearly doubled as he began his commute
and upon further thought he decided against going to check it out. The next day
our Father led him to an open house where the landlord fell in love with him
and pulled him aside to tell him that he was the tenant she wanted. Say what?!?
Jesus is one heck of a provider! He definitely cares about the intricacies of
our lives and is constantly lighting our path.
After penning this week
in prayer I find my answer to the purpose in these entries. I write to remind
myself that God is alive, that He is active, and that He is always waiting for
our engagement. Yes God works regardless of our input, but how much more would we
see if we really sought to see through His eyes. I may have difficulty with my
words, I may be challenged, and I may grow tired, but Lord don’t ever have me
give up. Please strengthen me for relationship with You and lead me to places I
didn’t know were possible. Be with us all as we keep searching for meaning and
draw attention to the truth of Your salvation. In your name I pray Lord. Amen!