Bugging Insecurities - Week 22

Writing about my life in prayer has not been any easy process. I’ve struggled to find words both in private and on paper to expand my continued growth and this week I come to a point where I’d rather not finish this journey began. Almost half way through this commited year, I find myself fighting against the good work being done in me. Ready to put down my pen, I grow tired from focused discipline and question a purpose for these weekly entries. I do anything I can to postpone this time of engagement, distracting myself from sharing the things that God has so generoulsy been providing. If this was my calling, would it be so difficult? If Christ wanted to use me in this capacity, would I feel so worn? I can’t help but think the answer is yes.

There were a few changes in the normalcy of my prayer this week. Though I got to spend some time with Jesus in the three letters I wrote Him, I also started a job that silenced my verbal grace for the provisions of daily bread. Five days in a row I went to lunch with my fellow coworkers and not once did I ask if they would join me in prayer. Not once did I ask if they would mind. Each time we sat down for a meal I became paralized in speech as I nervously commited our meals to Him in private. Though it’s possible they knew I was talking to God, no one mentioned it, and no one offered to join in. It’s in times like these I have to wonder about my commitment to share the gospel and the bravery I really have with faith.

Just last week I asked two complete strangers to pray with me in passing but this week I wrestled with the fact that I wanted nothing more than to pray aloud for these meals, not having the courage to do so. How strange. Thankfully this gave me more to talk to God about, asking for forgiveness in the ways I failed to bring up His name, and shying away from the Truth of His supply. As I ask what I’m supposed to do in a situation like this I can’t say I feel God was disappointed with my reluctance, but I know I sure was. I gave in to insecurities and let the distant customs of this world impair my close verbal relationship with Christ. How sad.

Luckily, there were still moments of the week where God’s prevelance broke through my frailty at work. I got to praise our Father for the blessing of stable health in the life of my boss, mentioned a peace in prayer, and discussed the future of my education in pursuit of His wisdom. Hallelujah for that! I’m excited to see how Jesus is going to use me in this next seven months of work. What He’s going to do in me and through me, what He’ll teach me in the process. For now, I ask that my desire to engage with Him about it stays present and the surrendering of my life to His will continues.

Despite the things I consider set backs, it’s no surprise that God has still been communicating with me and answering prayers in phenomenal ways. It is what He does afterall. For the past couple weeks my nightly prayers have included guidance on education. Which school I’m supposed to attend, where I should look for information, and how in depth He would like me to go. After a week or so of asking for His guidance, I still felt drawn to a particular institution that I had stopped talking to nearly two months ago. I asked the Lord if it was in His will for me to attend this school, that He would have them send me an email requesting my enrollment. A few days later, He did just that! Not only did He have them send me an email but it was from someone I hadn’t talked to before and now I’m in the process of beginning a brand new adventure come May. For this I give praise and for this I am in awe.

Our good God never fails to amaze me. His revelatory ways astonish me and His kindness continues to deepen my love for Him. Along with the answered prayer in education a friend of mine was looking for direction in his new living situation. He called me one day this week to tell me about an apartment he was going to look at and asked me to pray about it for him. In that moment I asked Jesus to clear his path for confirmation. As my friend started his drive to the new place, traffic increased, and not in a small way. Time nearly doubled as he began his commute and upon further thought he decided against going to check it out. The next day our Father led him to an open house where the landlord fell in love with him and pulled him aside to tell him that he was the tenant she wanted. Say what?!? Jesus is one heck of a provider! He definitely cares about the intricacies of our lives and is constantly lighting our path.

After penning this week in prayer I find my answer to the purpose in these entries. I write to remind myself that God is alive, that He is active, and that He is always waiting for our engagement. Yes God works regardless of our input, but how much more would we see if we really sought to see through His eyes. I may have difficulty with my words, I may be challenged, and I may grow tired, but Lord don’t ever have me give up. Please strengthen me for relationship with You and lead me to places I didn’t know were possible. Be with us all as we keep searching for meaning and draw attention to the truth of Your salvation. In your name I pray Lord. Amen!

  

Doubled Vision - Week 20 & 21

          Because so much has happened, I can’t believe it’s only been two weeks since we last engaged. I spent the first seven days of these past fourteen, carrying on in normal adoration, thanking God for His goodness. With only two short letters and the usual request for growth of His Spirit in me, I dedicated time to the Lord, but still had ample opportunity for more. I had conversations of our Father, learned more about His Word, and heard things that brought joy to my spirit. I got to catch up with friends, while discovering more about others, opening my eyes to the hurt of reality.

In these first seven days, I asked God to forgive me for my divided attention, to let me experience more of His involvement, and bring me to a place where I could just be in Him. A place to be in His kind, gentle, warming, confident, telling, and powerful love. I asked Him to strengthen existing bonds and create bountiful new ones. I asked Him for specific space in work because I felt that I needed it, but got a response to suggest that I don’t. All of these things that I asked of our Lord, were just a portion of the many on my heart. They are just a glimpse into the things I talk to God about and a mention to the additional discussed in private for others and myself. Though those first seven days seem so distant now, this past week is still a very present reality.

Jesus not only brought me to a place where I would experience more of His involvement, but He also made that place just as I requested. He once again showed me how kind and powerful He is. He showed me how telling He is when we take the time to listen and in the process I believe He was strengthening bonds. This past week, I devoted much of my time to prayer. For almost seven days straight, every thought was given to Jesus as my heart cried out to Him in the storm of a victory. My mind grew tired as I focused intently on His kingdom and my body grew faint in the battle of prayer. When I wasn’t asking for His healing deliverance, I was adoring Him for the mysterious ways He works. The audible prayers that flowed from my lips were a gift in themselves as I saw just how alive the Holy Spirit is. Exhaustedly (but thankfully) committed to Christ and the trust in His conquest, God showered my family in His good graces while others joined in for support.

The answered prayers we were gifted with this past week were not done by my petitions alone. They were not done by a single faith but by the faith of many. May their lives be blesssed for the time they gave. I’m blown away by the way God wonderfully places people in our life to call upon in times of need and in this time our calls were blessed with an army of love. I got to witness a body of people (His church) come together in aid for their sister in Christ. I saw answered prayers in just the request for more and even found strangers willing to take time for intercession. People who had never met me a day in their life prayed for me as I stopped for gas on the way out of town. We joined hands in circle, right there in the middle of the station, in front of the passer bys and others fueling up, giving thanks to Jesus for what we knew He was already going to do. I didn’t tell them what was going on, I didn’t need to. I believe God sent Jose and Lisa to me as angels of comfort. Lisa, though extremely nervous, jumped right into prayer. God’s voice flowed so freely from her mouth and I could tell by the end of her beautifully timed appeals that even she was amazed at what God had done through her. Hallelujia indeed!

I am so thankful for those two and the timing of God. The way He orchestrates a series of events to bring about a bigger trust in Him. The way He continues to show us just how much He cares about the individual hearts of His children and the way He stops at nothing to give Himself to us. He will relentlessly pursue us until we have no other choice but to recognize the love that He has and the truth of who He is. The truth of what He’s done. It saddens me to think just how hard some people fight to resist the abundant joy that is found in Jesus. How many loop holes they try to find in an explanation for the unexplainable and the rationalizations they try to provide for His mysterious miracles. God tells us in His Word that His ways are too big for us to understand and His love is too great to comprehend, but I don’t need His Word to tell me that. I’ve seen and felt it first hand.

Some may think I’m foolish, some may think I’m naïve, but others who share in this Truth encourage me to stay persistent. The way God moves and the love that He continues to reveal provides me with a strength to give Him everything He has given me. My life. One that I know is not my own. Though He created me uniquely for the good works of His kingdom I still struggle with the works of this world. I am still heartbroken by the warfare of our cultures and the warfare of our souls. I am grieved by the lost and sometimes embarassed by the way ‘believers’ go about sharing His love. However, all this helps me to see to constant need I have for Jesus and the continuous process of surrender. All this helps me to boast about what I’ve found in Christ and the reality of Him being the way, the truth, and the life. All this reassures the promise to give us whatever we need when we seek Him first and all of this be for His glory. Yes Lord! It’s in these things that I trust and it’s in these things that I pray. All praise be to You and the will of Your Salvation. Forever and ever, Amen!

Keys of Truth - Week 19

          My involvement with God this week wasn’t nearly as prodominent as it was last. I feel like I missed out on ample opportunity to spend time with the Lord and the strong intentions I had to do so, fell by the wayside. I let my own thoughts roll around in my head and I spent the majority of my time thinking them through without asking for much Heavenly guidance. Though I can’t say my thoughts were far from God, they were scarcely given to Him and the intimacy I put aside was certainly missed.

A few things happened this week that could have used some more Godly attention. An upset friendship, a disapointing job situation, and an incident that can best be described as theft. As I voiced my desire for Christ to help me in these affairs, I quickly realize that I spent more time talking about them to others than I did discussing them with God Himself. In times like these I am thankful for the Spirit interceding and the truth of God knowing exactly what we need before we say a word. Despite my neglegence, Jesus has faithfully been by my side. He has been working on prayers hidden in the corners of my mind and revealing more reasons to trust that He is listening. More reasons to fearfully love Him. 

A couple months ago I started praying for an elderly gentleman who needs a little more attentive care. I haven’t been redundant in this prayer but every now and then I remember to include him in my conversations with God. Because this man was hesitant to the idea of different living situations, I asked for Jesus to soften his heart about moving and that He would lead him to an environment of deserving love. I am still hopeful all of this will come to fruition but in the meantime I praisefully report that this gentleman shared his desire to now move into a care facility. Wow!

I am amazed with how God can use anything and everything to speak. Just when my discussions grew light, He delivers this distant news of encouragement. Just when I start to drift off into my own thoughts, He calls my interests back to His. Don’t get me wrong, I still spent time with God this week, but it was more in the way of reading about Him rather than speaking with Him, and I’m continually learning just how important conversation is. Not only did Jesus respond to an infrequent prayer of mine this week, but He also answered a pretty familiar one too.

After months of prayer and chremo a friend of mine was deemed cancer free on Wednesday. My friend put his faith in Christ and though there were moments of uncertainty, doubt, anger, and fear, the Lord granted him the request of being able to thank everyone for their prayers. His desire to visit with ones that had given him so much support beat out the cells that were killing his body. My friend now has the opportunity to further his growth in the gifts that God has given him and glorify our Father for His attentive love. An attentive love that never ceases.

Thankfully, God’s love has been reigning all over this life. He has dilligently been answering prayers that call for great joy and reminding me that our relationship is of highest priority. However, I’d be lying if I said I never got upset with the answers Jesus provides or the way He allows for certain things to unfold. There’s no telling why some prayers are answered the way they’re received while others seem to have no affect in the world, but I’m reluctant to say they don’t. I’m reluctant to think that any prayer goes unheard and that God doesn’t answer them all one way or another. Because I trust that Christ is working all things together for the good of those who love Him, it’s a little easier to be content in the confusion and saddness. It’s a little easier to see past the closing doors and focus on the ones He’s opening because I know that He wants nothing but the best for His children. He wants nothing more than their heart.

These past few months I’ve had my fair share of both open and closed doors. I’ve been upset by some of the Lord’s reponses and joyous of others. I’ve had prayers answered swiftly and am still waiting for others. Through these engagements I can see how the Lord was (and is) asking for more of my heart. I can see where my best interest comes into play and the struggle I have for realizing it’s not me that knows. As I work to ask God for more of what He would want, there’s no shortage in the the way I see Him needed and no confusion to the necessity prayer has in our lives. There’s no doubt that Christ is interested in hearing from each one of us and that He desires for all people to be saved, coming to the knowledge of truth.

What’s weird about having a relationship with Jesus is the way we keep that truth alive. I’d like to think that once we’ve found our connection, it’d be easier to maintain. I’d like to think the freedom of a life with Christ would keep us from revisting the prisons we fled from. But life’s funny like that and simply knowing just isn’t enough. While I look forward to the upcoming opportunities I have to spend with the Lord, I thank Him for His renewing mercies each day. I seek to have a steadier relationship with God and ask for help in surrendering my thoughts to Him. I pray that God continues to make it easier for me to be intimate with Him and that He allow for follow through on my good intentions. May He give us all Heavenly guidance, knowkedge of His truth, and a deeper love. I pray these things in the powerful name of Jesus. Amen!