Holding Pieces - Week 26

Last week I wrote about the laziness and lack of personal devotion I felt in engagement with the Lord. I am happy to write now, that while my devotion to prayer is still not where I want it to be, Christ has increased our time together, allowing me to feel more of His presence in the limited meetings we’ve had. God has orchestrated gatherings to reveal more of His wisdom and answered prayers that were spoken only days ago. This week there was a small increase of focus on His Kingdom and an encounter with the Holy Spirit that, though quick, gave me a peaceful conviction. God has (as usual) been unbelievably kind to me and it’s with gratitude that I write this entry.

            Just in my life alone, the Lord has been extremely busy these past seven days. On Monday a friend and I discussed getting together for a Bible study that we weren’t too thrilled about attending and we both decided not to go. However, less than an hour later I was called back and asked if I still held any interest in going because the reasons my friend gave for not wanting to, had all been rescheduled. With some reluctance I agreed, but after it was over I was glad to have went. It’s a good thing the Lord seemed to have other plans for our excuses because I learned something new that night. I was given encouragement and saw people who experienced unspeakable tragedies rejoice in Jesus, giving praise for His control. The whole way this night happened was strangely beautiful and I could recognize the artistry of God behind it all. Praise be to Him!

            Tuesday, my boss and I were at a local store. The lady at the cash register was very friendly and we had a rather pleasant (somewhat lengthy) interaction. When we left, my boss asked me why people were so interested in talking with me. It was the second time over a five-day period that he watched someone strike up a conversation with me out of the blue and do so as if we had been friends for years. I answered my boss in a way that jokingly alluded to me not understanding it either and the disinterest I had in the conversations he was witness to. That night, as I was driving home and talking with the Lord about other things, His Spirit brought to mind the answer I had given my boss. Jesus impressed upon my heart and told me that I needed to revisit that answer because I did care about the conversations I was having. I did care about these strangers and my boss needed to know that what I said was untrue. Thankfully God allowed for that conversation to come up again on Wednesday and I was relieved when I got to tell my boss that I shouldn’t have said what I did, explaining that we’re all just trying to enjoy this crazy life with some fun, so why not engage?

            Thursday, while at work, I got a call from my sister that was refreshing and excited. We talked briefly about the Lord and His majesty, the ways we related in disappointment, and the idea that we sometimes feel His harvest isn’t enough (even though it always is). At the end of our quick call my sister told me that she was so glad she had dialed my number and I was just as glad, if not more. Jesus has a timing that is just perfect and asking Him last week to help me was a help all in itself.

            Friday, I ended my workweek on a high note. Everyone was in a cheerful mood as the stresses of concern seemed to melt away and I got to share a little bit about my church life with the team. Everyone, including the new girl who started on Monday, now knows about my love for Jesus and the trust I have in His authority. I see the glimmer of interest in my faith and I look forward to sharing more of it in the coming months.

            While Friday came to a close the weekend began and ended quickly but one thing happened today that I’m extremely thankful for. Driving home from my mothers’ house I was talking to God about a variety of things when I took some time to pray for my bosses’ family. Not even 10 minutes later did my boss text me to share about the improvement of health in his family and the hopeful outlook of circumstances! What a blessing I was given in that moment. What a reassuring way to remind me that God is with us. The ways that Jesus communicates, reveals Himself, comforts, and teaches us, is sometimes (often) unbelievable. However, I believe because I look for Him and when I’m looking, He’s always there. He’s in everything and has created everything for His good pleasure but the world (just as often) gets in the way.

To that I have to say we have the ability to choose what we focus on. We have the ability to direct our thoughts to the Father of created life and while it may seem difficult (believe me, I know it can be), it is always a choice. So Lord, help me to choose You. Continue to equip me with Your strength so I can willfully focus on Your Truth. Reveal to me Your guidance and open my eyes to recognize you in my every surrounding. God you have been faithfully wonderful to me and I give praise for Your closeness. Come closer to me oh Lord! Give me wisdom and insight to Your Kingdom, using me as a vessel to further Your plans of revival. I pray for those who might be looking God, for those who aren’t looking at all, that You would soften hard hearts and bring to light the glory of Salvation in Your son Jesus Christ. It’s in these things I pray dear Friend. In Your name I live. Amen!

Growing Fruit - Week 25

I forced myself in the beginning of the week to write one letter to Jesus because it had been quite some time since I’d done so. It was good to connect with Him in this way though I quickly grew tired and ended my letter with just a list of names rather than the specifics I was thinking of. With so much to tell Him, I was overwhelmed by the thought that I could write for hours and instead spent only thirty minutes maximum with the Lord (probably less). Trying to balance out this new schedule of mine, I’ve been lazy in my prayer life, tired from the drain that happens on any given day, and exhausted from the distractions that take our focus off Christ. Even before this new schedule, when I had ample time to spend with the Lord it was not exercised as such and now that I have limited time, our engagement seems even less.

Thankfully, our relationship is still intact and He’s still on my mind most of the week, but I’m asking for His help in my divided attention. While I’ve had prayer requests and updates from others to keep my mind on Jesus and conversations with friends that exclaimed His glory, I personally don’t feel the strength in my own devotion. My discipline to give God the time He deserves is not yet ripe but I fully trust He is pruning my braches in order to do so.

For the majority of last year, right up until three weeks ago, I’ve had houseguests pretty constantly in my home. It’s the first time in nearly a year that I’ve been alone with myself, and the first break where I have nothing to do in the evenings but talk with Jesus. God is giving me time and space to engage with Him and yet still I resist. When I found out that I would once again be living alone, something I quite enjoy doing, I was excited about the time the Lord and I were going to have. I was looking forward to dedicating my nights to Jesus and talking with Him in depth about the weights and joys of my heart, but three weeks in and we haven’t shared much of that time.

Unfortunately/fortunately I’ve been a bit busier than expected after work. I’m catching up with friends I haven’t seen in awhile, taking phone calls I’m unable to have at work, or getting chores done that pile up when I’m away. By the time that 10P hits, the last thing I want to do is write a 5-page letter. In the mornings I try and concentrate my waking thoughts to the Lord but am quickly distracted by the amount of work that needs to be done in order for this around the world production to be successful. Work never ends when you’re in 4 time zones! Throughout the day I try to give him moments of praise but once again I am diverted back to the scheduling and needs of my attention elsewhere. How tough it is to stay in conversation with Jesus while others are demanding my thoughts. How does one still their mind to listen to the Lord when life keeps coming at full speed, not interested in the relationship you’re trying to foster with the King? Prayer is essential to my life, but how do I exercise it when it seems like there’s no time? 

I’ve been thinking about a few ways to go about this, none of which I’ve tried yet, but tomorrow is a new week. I’ve considered waking up earlier in order to spend at least thirty minutes of my morning talking to the Lord or reading His word, but I am by no means a morning person and I know that my willpower is weaker than any might think. Instead I’ve thought about setting an alarm on my phone once every so often to remind me to take a minute (a full minute) to be in His presence, sharing anything that’s on my heart, trying to listen to His guidance. However, recognizing God’s voice is already difficult for me. Adding a ticking clock to the attempt might not be the best idea but whether they’re good ideas or not, I figure they’re at least worth a try.

As I continue to figure out how to give my time to Jesus in this whirlwind of my life, I’m also trying to figure out just what I want out of it. Things to ask God about and things to trust Him with. God is graciously kind in answering the prayers of His children but what is there to answer if I don’t ask Him for His thoughts? What can He do if I’m not asking Him to intercede? The answer is more than I know but more I fail to recognize. I want to take part in His mission and I want His hand to guide me. In order for this to happen, I must ask Him to help me be more intimate with Him. I must ask Him to speak louder and to give me the settled mind to hear, but I feel like even this is a task sometimes.

So Lord, make the things that seem like discipline a joy. Make my heart attentive to Your will and help me to surrender the stubbornness of my own. I ask for clarity on how to balance our relationship in the world and strength to give You the attention You deserve. May You take delight in the work of Your child as she tries to make sense of this brokenness and fill her with Your Spirit as she stumbles through the dark. Your light oh Lord, is a lamp to my feet. Continue to prune my branches so I can blossom in You, learning more of Your goodness, and the ways of Your wisdom. Help me to bare the fruit of Your Salvation and increase my love for you. In Jesus name I pray, amen! 

Eyes of the Tired - Week 24

I’ve been a little tired this week and haven’t wrote one letter to the King. In fact, the last time I engaged with Him in that capacity was on February 23^rd and it seems like forever ago. I can’t say honestly that I’ve intentionally poured my heart out to our Lord in quite some time but instead I have been sporadically directing my thoughts to Him in and out of awareness.

As you know, if you follow these weekly entries, work has made it challenging for me to fully disclose my faith. Over the past three weeks I’ve felt withdrawn and timid but thankfully there have been moments where Jesus’ name just kinda flew out of my mouth in a room full of colleagues. True, if they were listening or not, I do not know, but I have had conservations with some of them which suggests that they were.

Now as I sit here writing, I reflect and mediate on the ways that we believers share or hinder the Gospel of Truth. It’s not always in our words but dare I say, more so in our actions. If we’re constantly trying to figure out how to bring up the Salvation amongst us in conversation, perhaps we push it further away than if we just allow His timing to provide it. God has been so kind to me in easing the tension I felt in quickly trying to introduce Him to our office and allowed for His way to slowly infect our work. How gracious! While it’s only been three weeks, God has been and is doing more than I know and I’m reminded that it is the same for my personal walk with Him.

My relationship with Jesus has not been an overnight transformation or even a hurried meeting. It is constantly being evolved through continual meetings, even in the times where it feels stagnant. My relationship with the Truth has steadily been revealed to me and there’s more I come to enjoy as He proceeds to affect my heart. But trying to stay focused on the Kingdom is challenging and trying to exercise the purpose of our creation is even harder because we are created for His glory and the worship of Him!

This is challenging not only because of our personal feebleness but also because of our surroundings, because of what our world is putting in front of us. Subtly, but powerfully, we are told what to seek after, we are influenced in our sight, and conditioned by what we hear. I think about the times of Moses or the times of Christ and what their society must have been like. They memorized the Scriptures in their free time, they spoke of God regularly, and sought after Him in a way that seems lost these days. However, even in those times and those dedications, we as a people were impatient, always looking for something greater, something more to do with our time. How beaten we get on that path, trying to find something else to fill us with joy, or with purpose.

Everything is a cycle, history repeats itself, and I’m beginning to see the revival of Spirit amongst us, as well as the importance for seeking Truth. But with that being said, I’m also seeing the division amongst us, the hiding of Truth in rules or regulations, and the striking explosion of a desperate attempt to highlight other half truths or the distortions of It. We have collectively been separating ourselves to push for issues that seem inhumane or unjust, while we should be pushing for unity in His love. Yes, some may say that’s what’s happening now, but I can’t clearly see how that’s true. All things fall under Jesus’s domain and if we were focused or angry at the depletion of His name then perhaps all other gratuitous situations or unfounded biases would be remedied. Just saying.

I’m also saying this could be done in His light. Not in a way that segregates or blames, not in a way that condemns or berates, but in a way that is aligned with the love of our Savior. It has been said by Dr. Ravi Zacharias that, “if love is lost, then God is lost, and I do not want to lose God in our conversation.” I think that brilliantly sums up what we should collectively be seeking. The love of the One King, the Alpha and the Omega, the Way, the Truth, and the Life, the Beginning and the End. Of course we can disagree with our fellow persons. Of course our views can be different. But we should never lose sight of the reality that, “there is no distinction between Greek and Jew, circumcised and uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave and freeman, but Christ is all, and in all.”

I have a few friends that openly profess their love of Jesus but at the same time speak vile things from their mouth, demeaning others, regarding them as unworthy or condemned. They divide the rest of the world from believing in the grace of God because if that’s what it means to trust in Jesus, then they want no part of it. In that, I tend to agree. It’s hard for me to hear those things from my friends and believe that Jesus is working in their heart, but I am not the Judge, and I am not always privy to the work the Holy Spirit is doing within them. I find that I myself have actions that could be considered just as hurtful to the Gospel and often think while Christ Jesus came into this world to save sinners, “I am the worst of them all.”

However, this does not stop me from continuing to pray. I pray for my heart to love our Savior more and for Him to soften the hearts of my friends who speak such ungodly things. I pray for the world to see His Truth and the guidance of His Spirit to captivate the lost, guiding them back home to our Father. It’s in His name of grace and mercy, the love of Jesus that I pray, amen!

Ready... Set... No - Week 23

Last week I asked God to lead me to places that seemed impossible and this week I reflect on the notion that while Jesus often answers this prayer, I’m sometimes too busy or too preoccupied to engage. I wrote about the inside quarrel I have with exercising my faith at work, while our Father opened up a door that subtly invited me to do this, and my timidness grew larger. Thinking about these two perplexments a few converastions occur to me and the words, “timing is everything,” along with “I’m just not ready,” ring loud in my mind.

Timing is everything because everything is in God’s time. He created time and therefore He can control it. Though a thousand years can seem like a day and a day can seem like a thousand years, the Lord always has a revealing way to make each moment seem like it was uniquely made for us. Whether we utilize these moments for His glory is another way of understanding. It’s His will alligned with ours that makes for amazing opportunities and the constant thought of His love that make us ready. I’ll be honest in saying there’s quite a few instances I think about when I contemplate missed opportunities or the idea of being ready, and this week I added one more to my list.

Last Sunday I found a set of keys lying on the floor while leaving a naighborhood store. I watched as others passed by these keys without stopping and I decided to pick them up so I could bring them to the lost and found after taking my purchased items to the car. On the way to drop off my things I pushed the lock button and heard the lost car somewhere in the distance. I walked closer to mine and pushed the button again. There I was, standing in front of the car and the woman who had dropped her keys, three cars down from where I had parked. In that moment the whisper of engagement was overruled by the shouts of departing and it wasn’t until later that I was fully aware God had led me to that woman to have a conversation. Now I’m not sure what that conversation would have looked like. I don’t think it would have been a conversation about Jesus, or a conversation about faith at all really, but I do know that conversation would have introduced me to a new friend and a new story. I do know that conversation would have honored the glory revieled and I was so quick to move on to the next adventure that I missed the one right in front of me. So now I have to ask myself, was I ever really ready?

After this happenstance I thought about that lady for days. I thought about the idea that if you keep asking God for something (like things impossible) and you keep ignoring them, He’ll stop gifting them to you. Now I’m not sure how on board with that idea I am but it’s certainly a scary thought. It’s scary because we would keep ignoring and it’s scary because He would quit gifting. It’s in these things I ask for help. Lord help us to keep our eyes and our hearts open. Don’t ever give up on us and let us stay hungry for You.

I would like to think I’m in the process of learning how to see the gifts Christ provides more clearly. I would like to think I’m growing in obedience to His calling and the discernment to know when it’s actually Him. But like all of life I am hardly sure and I’m more often than not engaged in a battle. Unlike those who know they’re not ready, I tend to think I am, and this can be a real sobering event when Jesus gently asks you if that’s true. The certainty of preparation becomes a tearful doubt and the decision to stay in trustful hope becomes a tired ambivalence. That being said, I toy with the idea that no one is ever ready… And how could we be?

The wonder and beauty our Creator provides is something so indescribable, the miracles He performs unfathomable. We’re hardly ready for the coming of His Kingdom because the intensity of His love is too much for our understanding. When we’re faced with the acts of Jesus first handedly our flesh can shrink down in reluctance because His amazement can be confusing. We’re unsure of how to let the awkwardness of refreshment run free in our lives and let go of all reservations that keep us from being the weird one. But in this I ask, just as the great poet, “where’s your will to be weird?”

            It’s true I tend to weep from time to time regarding the use of my life, but I have to remind myself there’s a joy in relinquishing it. Though there may be a tendancy to grow annoyed in my speech or constant thought of God, I still ask for more of Him in my heart. If there’s one good thing in this life, I know that it is our Lord and that He being all that matters is in each one of us. I ask to have my eyes opened to that as well. I ask to draw my attetion to the light that shines in and out of our being and that I be able to help with His expansion. May we recognize the goodness of Salvation amongst us, trust in the glory unseen, and have hope for the scattered lost.

            Lord my prayers to you this week have not been a constant but I thank you for the neccessity of others that kept me engaged. I thank you for the mercies I’ve been privy to and the phenomenons I’ve heard about You providing in the lives of my loved ones. Jesus I ask that you help me live what I say when I say I’m ready and assure those who think that they aren’t, they are! In Your name I pray Father, Amen!