Growing Fruit - Week 25

I forced myself in the beginning of the week to write one letter to Jesus because it had been quite some time since I’d done so. It was good to connect with Him in this way though I quickly grew tired and ended my letter with just a list of names rather than the specifics I was thinking of. With so much to tell Him, I was overwhelmed by the thought that I could write for hours and instead spent only thirty minutes maximum with the Lord (probably less). Trying to balance out this new schedule of mine, I’ve been lazy in my prayer life, tired from the drain that happens on any given day, and exhausted from the distractions that take our focus off Christ. Even before this new schedule, when I had ample time to spend with the Lord it was not exercised as such and now that I have limited time, our engagement seems even less.

Thankfully, our relationship is still intact and He’s still on my mind most of the week, but I’m asking for His help in my divided attention. While I’ve had prayer requests and updates from others to keep my mind on Jesus and conversations with friends that exclaimed His glory, I personally don’t feel the strength in my own devotion. My discipline to give God the time He deserves is not yet ripe but I fully trust He is pruning my braches in order to do so.

For the majority of last year, right up until three weeks ago, I’ve had houseguests pretty constantly in my home. It’s the first time in nearly a year that I’ve been alone with myself, and the first break where I have nothing to do in the evenings but talk with Jesus. God is giving me time and space to engage with Him and yet still I resist. When I found out that I would once again be living alone, something I quite enjoy doing, I was excited about the time the Lord and I were going to have. I was looking forward to dedicating my nights to Jesus and talking with Him in depth about the weights and joys of my heart, but three weeks in and we haven’t shared much of that time.

Unfortunately/fortunately I’ve been a bit busier than expected after work. I’m catching up with friends I haven’t seen in awhile, taking phone calls I’m unable to have at work, or getting chores done that pile up when I’m away. By the time that 10P hits, the last thing I want to do is write a 5-page letter. In the mornings I try and concentrate my waking thoughts to the Lord but am quickly distracted by the amount of work that needs to be done in order for this around the world production to be successful. Work never ends when you’re in 4 time zones! Throughout the day I try to give him moments of praise but once again I am diverted back to the scheduling and needs of my attention elsewhere. How tough it is to stay in conversation with Jesus while others are demanding my thoughts. How does one still their mind to listen to the Lord when life keeps coming at full speed, not interested in the relationship you’re trying to foster with the King? Prayer is essential to my life, but how do I exercise it when it seems like there’s no time? 

I’ve been thinking about a few ways to go about this, none of which I’ve tried yet, but tomorrow is a new week. I’ve considered waking up earlier in order to spend at least thirty minutes of my morning talking to the Lord or reading His word, but I am by no means a morning person and I know that my willpower is weaker than any might think. Instead I’ve thought about setting an alarm on my phone once every so often to remind me to take a minute (a full minute) to be in His presence, sharing anything that’s on my heart, trying to listen to His guidance. However, recognizing God’s voice is already difficult for me. Adding a ticking clock to the attempt might not be the best idea but whether they’re good ideas or not, I figure they’re at least worth a try.

As I continue to figure out how to give my time to Jesus in this whirlwind of my life, I’m also trying to figure out just what I want out of it. Things to ask God about and things to trust Him with. God is graciously kind in answering the prayers of His children but what is there to answer if I don’t ask Him for His thoughts? What can He do if I’m not asking Him to intercede? The answer is more than I know but more I fail to recognize. I want to take part in His mission and I want His hand to guide me. In order for this to happen, I must ask Him to help me be more intimate with Him. I must ask Him to speak louder and to give me the settled mind to hear, but I feel like even this is a task sometimes.

So Lord, make the things that seem like discipline a joy. Make my heart attentive to Your will and help me to surrender the stubbornness of my own. I ask for clarity on how to balance our relationship in the world and strength to give You the attention You deserve. May You take delight in the work of Your child as she tries to make sense of this brokenness and fill her with Your Spirit as she stumbles through the dark. Your light oh Lord, is a lamp to my feet. Continue to prune my branches so I can blossom in You, learning more of Your goodness, and the ways of Your wisdom. Help me to bare the fruit of Your Salvation and increase my love for you. In Jesus name I pray, amen!