Bold Circles - Week 30

It’s hard to remember my days and the avenues spent in prayer when so much happens over the course twenty-four hours. I haven’t necessarily been dedicating specific times of communication to the Lord but rather trying to include Him in my moment-to-moment thoughts or decisions. While I’m sure I’ve fallen quite short of this inclusion, Jesus has had His hand on my life regardless. I’ve felt Him put questions or people on my heart for prayer, and in the moment asked very quickly for His Kingdom to come on those impressions. This past week, I’ve left specifics and details out of my conversations with God and feel bold when I use a word to suggest that it was long lasting or in plenty.

While my thoughts are typically filtered through God and I believe His Word is partially instilled on my heart, I am nowhere near to the closeness I want with our Creator. I am not in tune with the whisper of His guidance and long to see His lighted path for my life amongst the shadows. Asking what keeps this desired life at bay I have to question my heart and the truth of my depth. I wonder why this relationship in prayer seems like circles of trying and forgetful attempts at speaking when I certainly know where to go for Living Water.

However it may seem, as if I’m too hard on myself, or if my relationship is a strong one, I often feel inadequate and hypocritical, judgmental and unknowing. My heart wavers on the idea of truth and the control of my will is harder to align with the Spirit’s than I’d hope. Recognizing these realities, I also see how Christ protects me and strengthens me in these weaknesses. More often than not God seems to make it difficult or unflattering to partake in the things of my flesh. Protecting me from my own willed decisions, sometimes I fight harder to satisfy sin, or I put down the concentration it takes to maintain a growing relationship with the Lord. Even then, it’s in those gracious times of aftermath that I can see how God uses my faults to grow my heart and refine my spirit. He continues to teach me what it looks like to trust in Him, believe in Him, and rejoice in Him.

I’ve been content for most of this past week. Not joyful or excited but not angry or sad. I’ve been expressive yet reserved and energetic yet dull. I’ve been very matter of fact, leaving no room for understanding more, and feel shameful for not celebrating His majesty to the fullest.

Scriptures tell us that, “the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please,” (Romans 5:17) and I can attest to the fact that this is a valid truth. Later Paul tells us, “For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate… For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want.” (Romans 7:15,19) These evils can come in the smallest of ways with gossiping tongues, elevated tempers, boredoms of life, and actions of impulse. With hidden motives, loosened chastity, confused traditions, and created idols, our being wrestles with the good work our Father is pursuing and the good work that pursues others.

Whether we know it or not, Jesus is often using us to speak into the lives of others. He can subtly allow His Spirit to move amongst us, calling to another by way of just a word, action, or song. Friday I was in Santa Monica visiting a good friend from France. Stopped at a traffic light I had my windows rolled down in this crowded intersection. Two punk rockers came strolling down the street (an identity some might have once associated with me), as one of them left, the other took stance on the sidewalk quite close to my car, directly in ear shot of the radio. As the punk rocker stood there, I could tell he was hearing this song of worship coming from my car. I felt him connect without his notice and I could see our good Lord planting a seed of growth in this man. He was being wooed. Not by anything I was saying, or in anyway I interacted with him, but by the ways of our Sovereign God. In His timing and His way Christ was calling to this mans heart and I (in the strangest of ways) got to be a part of that. Praise God.

I can only imagine what difference it would have made if I were listening to another song. Would it have mattered at all? I’m going to be bold here, with all confidence, and say yes. I do believe that moment was divine. I do believe it was in accordance to God’s perfect will and I do believe I was used in those few moments. That’s the thing about our use. We’re much more unaware of it than we’d like to think. At any moment Christ can break through the shadows and it’s our choice to continually let Him shine in us.

In the closing chapters of Romans, Paul once again brings attention to the battle of our flesh and tells us, “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” (Romans 12:21) This is my prayer for all of us. That we stay strong in the ways of God’s Spirit. May we focus on the love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control, that comes from the Lord (Galatians 5:22) and may we continue to present ourselves as a living sacrifice for glory of His Kingdom. It’s in His name that I pray, the mighty name of Jesus. Amen!

Continued Fight - Week 29

           

           Once again late for these weekly entries, it seems that time is growing busier by the day. With many of my hours spent at work, I fill the rest of life with engagements or duties that require attention. Little time do I have to spend with the Lord but it was in the previous week that I learned the necessity of making priority.

By Monday, coming off a week where I said almost nothing to God, I had enough of the lack of energy, patience, joy, and strength our Creator provides for me on a daily basis. I was exhausted from the past four days and desperate for relief. In fatigue I responded to a personal email I received earlier that morning in regards to my friend and her extremely ill sister. Reading about amputations and the rollercoaster of updates, I managed to get out the following words:

We've come to Passover week and the opposition to Christ's resurrection is still in full force. Thank God for His victory and bloodshed on the cross. He has, since time began, wrote the most beautiful story. And all if this, I mean all of it, shall pass. Only the goodness of the Lord remains so let us take joy in Him and the love He has for us.

I say this to remind myself also. The past week has been rough and the past 4 days worse. Sporadically praying and not feeling in tune. I'm not talking to Jesus like I want to and I'm so tired I cry.

Lord help us to not lose sight of Your will in this time and the life you've given in the release of Your own. Everything in the next few days gives us purpose to remember Your last in flesh.

After that, I opened up the text I wrote about last week. The text from a sporadic friend requesting insight for prayer. At the time I had only responded, “Psalm 23,” and I thought I should follow up to see how everything was going. I wrote the following text but realized on Wednesday that I never sent it.

The Psalms are always a good tool to use when I don't know what to say to Jesus. But I feel like talking with the Lord now about some things and thought you might wanna hear some prayer too.

Father God,

You are amazing! The ways in which You choose to reveal Yourself are beyond me. I know not what I want for my mind plays tricks on me. It is a carousel of wayward emotions. I ask dear Lord that you'll forgive me for my distant words. Pardon my absence of speech and restore my heart to You. My spirit cries out for more of Your truth God. For more of Your presence and more of Your wisdom. For more of Your power. Make me whole in You Christ. Take distraction and bind it. Cast it from my presence and help me to focus on the One who matters most oh God! To the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, the way, the truth, and the life You fill me my love. My Savior my King. For now and forever. Always and only to You do I pray Jesus. Amen!

Writing those two responses, I didn’t feel like I was in prayer. I wrote them out of a necessary feeling and I was unloading my heart to others. Though the second was essentially a written prayer, it might have been heightened for outside viewing, and I don’t remember being focused on conversation with Jesus when typing. However, like mentioned, it wasn’t until Wednesday when I realized I never sent that text and the email I wrote previous, reflecting on it now, seems as if it too was more so for me than my friend. Perhaps both those responses were in conversation with God despite my direction.   

Lying in bed after those “necessary” writings, I wanted to shut my mind down and block out the weight of life. I picked up my phone once again to numb my clouded thoughts with a scroll through various “entertainment” sites. As soon as I opened my browser I felt disgusted with where my mind was turning. I literally forced myself to put the phone down, with an audible no, and screamed at my brain to talk with our Father. Hard at first, sighing with weariness, it wasn’t long (maybe 15 minutes) until I fell asleep in conversation with God.

I awoke the next morning with mercies of new. Though there was a lingering feeling of foulness, it quickly escaped me an hour into the day, and in the remaining hours, I felt at ease (dare I say joyful). Come Wednesday, by end of day, my flesh once again tried to sidetrack my Spirit despite the fullness of the Lord and the relief He had JUST given me. Being disgruntled, I got down on my knees and told the Lord how uninterested I was to be in that position at the moment. I told Him that even in knowing it’s where I belong, my heart needed softening to the obedience and stature this life was called to. I asked for forgiveness in the shortness of my ways and disclosed upfront that this position wouldn’t be long that night. Thankfully it was longer than I expected and just as refreshing, if not more.

Jesus has been extremely kind to me this past week in reviving my spirit with still limited engagement. Life has a way that seems so much better when in communication. While this past week has brought several tragedies such as amputations, deaths, and grave illnesses (in my immediacy alone), I am able to rejoice in the beauty of life because of who our God is. Jesus gave His life for the sake of our hearts and I ask that I give mine for the sake of His life. May this fighting life continue in His armor and may His powerful peace fill our atmosphere. It’s in the name of the Lord that I pray. Hallelujah, amen!

Standing Tall - Week 28

           

          Figuring out what to write about this week was difficult on so many levels. It was a week that suffered in prayer and a week full of timely distractions that kept my mind at race on the things of this world. While the first half of my week may have started off in confidence, it soon ended in a way that completely drained me of all the strength I had. I was hurt by some off the cuff remarks inside His body, consumed by a workload, and tried by the ways of my own mind. I found that this weekend came and went without relief and I was taken back by the amount of weight a lack in communication can bring. Even now, finally finding interest to write, I struggle with these words on prayer as if my engagement was broken and my communication was nonexistent.

Over the years I’ve noticed a change in surroundings (and a change in self) when my time with the Lord falls short. I become anxious and doubtful, tired and confused, looking at life with a troubled annoyance. Without prayer, I get lost in my own head and grow increasingly bored. In lack, I try to make sense of the heartache this world endures and take for granted the everyday blessings, which our Creator provides. Thank God for His constant grace and the reminders of His unending love, for even in my troubles He alone remains a stronghold.

By Thursday, when I really began to feel the fatigues of life gnawing away at my joy, God knew I needed a draw back to Him. He wonderfully introduced me to a stranger with kindness, having a person who I never met before request to engage with me over the phone because they thought I was such a delight to talk with. Unfortunately, those compliments I received took a back seat to the driving exhaustion my day was already in, and it’s not until this moment do I give praise for the gentleness of His ways.

Ignoring that gift, come Friday, God sent yet another loving reminder my way from someone I hardly talk to. I got a text from a sort of sporadic friend, very late at night, to ask what good prayer could be said. My word! This request came to me from a person who isn’t necessarily a believer and from someone who I never would have expected to reach out in that manner. Unfortunately, because of the chaotic day I had just come off of and all the dramatics involved, the only thing I could manage to respond to by way of text, were the words, “Psalm 23.” It was later that I received a thank you and I gave no response. What a way for Jesus to draw me back to Him! Even though my mind was completely worn and no ounce of energy was left in my body, He gave me a gentle nudge to remind me He was there. How grand! I’m amazed at how little I paid attention to these gifts God was giving me and how little I thanked Him for doing so. Please forgive me oh Lord, for Your majesty is delightful, and I am nothing but indebted to You and Your merciful grace. In You I rejoice, even when my attention is lost.

With no good transition, Saturday finally came, but it was quite possibly the worst day of them all. Early in the morning I was attending an Easter event sponsored by my home church. It was supposed to be a day full of cheer, preparing our hearts for the gift of Jesus on the cross, but I was in no such mood. Doing my best, I put on a smile, but the first words said to me that day hurtfully came from my assistant pastor. These words I usually would have brushed off in a joking manner but today, on this morning, they pierced my heart in a very painful way. I responded in a manner that admittedly wasn’t the best and tried to engage as well as I could, but he followed up his first hurtful statement with yet another upsetting one. After this, I was put on child duty (something I specifically didn’t sign up for) and set to watch after 2-13 year olds climbing up an inflatable slide two at a time. Needless to say, I was not in a good place. Perhaps it wouldn’t have been so bad if my week had gone better, or if I had spent the morning in engagement with the Lord, but an hour and a half into it, I left the event after being asked if I wanted to take a break. Honestly, I was sad to go even though I didn’t want to be there. I was sad because of the way the whole day went down and by the way I felt disregarded. I was sad by the way I had been talked to and the ways in which even our shepherds, people of God, can act in unintentional passing.

After that, I didn’t go to church on Sunday. I hoped to spend the day at rest because I needed some sleep and some personal alone time with the Lord. Unfortunately, those needs weren’t met until one day after the new week. I spent the majority of Sunday at work from home and had some other unexpected troubles come my way. However, in this time God’s love was always in my heart. Christ gave me strength to finish two papers I needed to complete for new school admittance and gave me wisdom on how to write them. I’m extremely appreciative for these gifts despite my bad way. I hold on to the trust that our King is always at work and He knows exactly what we need. Time with Him! I ask for more of that in the coming weeks and the ability to share with you the answering of prayers that our Father is always providing. It’s in His name I share, amen!

Flowing Flames - Week 27

           

           Being a follower of Christ is a challenging way of life. Not only does the world seem to look at you with criticizing eyes but our own thoughts also run rampant with doubt, disbelief, and distraction. For me, once I have a taste of that sweetness of faith, I relish in the moment, fully on fire, and then fade to a flicker. Though I try and hold onto the full blaze of our Saving flame, I find myself begging for fuel to make it through another day. I wonder what it is that makes the raging blazes fall short and how to live steadily in the fire Himself.

            Trying to replicate the good week I had previous, my connection once again fell short. I examined my ways and thought about the different choices I was making. The choices that took my intimacy away from the relationship I hold dear. They were little things, results of momentary decisions. They were big things, choices I made for self rather than God. I medicated unnecessarily, put aside my commitment to physical activity, and not once did I pick up His word. Sure I talked to Jesus this week but I don’t think it was purposeful or inclusive. I’m not sure my heart was grounded in the desire to live out His will because His will asks us to surrender the things that stand in front of or in between our relationship with Him.

            However, first and foremost our lives are about intimacy with Him. A connectivity that surpasses all other desires in life, one that takes root, transforms, and then branches out to others. Our love for God should come before all other loves because this is what it means to worship Him fully. This is the ultimate praise we can give Him. Nothing in this world can satisfy or comfort us like our Triune Creator can and yet we redundantly consider how His other creations might do so. We reluctantly hold on to control we think we have and half-heartedly surrender the darkness of our heart. We say and do things in the ways of our own will not thinking twice about the ripple effect it has on our own life, the lives of those around us, or more importantly, our relationship with Jesus.

            That being said, I’m fully aware that growing in Christ is a lifelong process (something I am often irritated by). I’m aware that my love for Him is deep and I do believe it’s my true desire

to live as a disciple of Jesus; giving Him everything that He gave me. So why then does my flesh battle so hard to keep me in a place of hiding? Why does my discernment fall short and my brain let my spirit be tricked? Perhaps it doesn’t and I’m just too selfish to put forth the energy it takes to live the kind of life I’m being called to live. The kind of life that allows Jesus to preform miracles through me, a life that heals, prophesizes, raises the dead, and brings life. Wanting my cake and eating it too is a battle I’m all too familiar with and I ask that our good Lord make me strong in Him to carry out the work He began.

            Growing, though challenging and painful, has the best trade off. The thoughts of God I have and the desires to please Him are a welcomed activity in my life. Even the flicker of my flame dances to His majesty and I am extremely thankful for the trials of trust. I think about the lost, who have no thoughts of God, or questions of His existence. The ones who blindly go through life not wondering about meaning or the purpose to life. I think about how often God runs through my mind and am saddened for the ones who don’t search for His Truth, who don’t think of Him at all. The sadness I feel and the darkness I’m aware of are calmed and comforted majorly by Christ, so how much greater is the uncertainty and madness in the ones who can’t find what they’re not looking for? I pray for them Lord! For You to help them seek, for you to open the eyes of the blind, and for You to soften the hearts of the stubborn. My God, this includes me so please have Your way.

            Even with my lack of effort Jesus is still at work with His miracles. He continues to provide and to reveal, granting me glimpses of what it looks like to fully be alive in Him. I have no doubt that I will continue to pursue this life of Love but pray that my doubt, disbelief, and distractions are removed by His power. I ask again Jesus for Your strength to equip me in Your will. May Your kingdom come! Take this light of Yours and help her shine because I see the battle in full swing. I see the corners of your world at odds and unity of Your Truth divided. In this life it’s easy to lie down, but may I stand tall in you Lord because I see the beauty of Your saving grace at work amongst the chaos. I feel Your Spirit coming closer to those in need and trust in the truth of Your victory. May I be kind to myself and others as we learn to walk in Your lighted path and may I continue to boast in my weaknesses so Your glory be revealed. 

            Lord you are a good good Father! You have become my closest friend and although I may fall short in the upholding of our relationship, I know that You have kept me as Your own. May I keep You as mine, not shying away from the surrendering of my own will, but be fueled by the sacrifice You have given us on the cross. God, I ask that every atom of me be on fire for Your truth, knowing that You are enough to ignite to the world. Jesus, in Your matchless name I pray. Amen!