It’s hard
to remember my days and the avenues spent in prayer when so much happens over
the course twenty-four hours. I haven’t necessarily been dedicating specific
times of communication to the Lord but rather trying to include Him in my
moment-to-moment thoughts or decisions. While I’m sure I’ve fallen quite short
of this inclusion, Jesus has had His hand on my life regardless. I’ve felt Him
put questions or people on my heart for prayer, and in the moment asked very
quickly for His Kingdom to come on those impressions. This past week, I’ve left
specifics and details out of my conversations with God and feel bold when I use
a word to suggest that it was long lasting or in plenty.
While my
thoughts are typically filtered through God and I believe His Word is partially
instilled on my heart, I am nowhere near to the closeness I want with our
Creator. I am not in tune with the whisper of His guidance and long to see His
lighted path for my life amongst the shadows. Asking what keeps this desired
life at bay I have to question my heart and the truth of my depth. I wonder why
this relationship in prayer seems like circles of trying and forgetful attempts
at speaking when I certainly know where to go for Living Water.
However it
may seem, as if I’m too hard on myself, or if my relationship is a strong one,
I often feel inadequate and hypocritical, judgmental and unknowing. My heart
wavers on the idea of truth and the control of my will is harder to align with
the Spirit’s than I’d hope. Recognizing these realities, I also see how Christ
protects me and strengthens me in these weaknesses. More often than not God
seems to make it difficult or unflattering to partake in the things of my flesh.
Protecting me from my own willed decisions, sometimes I fight harder to satisfy
sin, or I put down the concentration it takes to maintain a growing
relationship with the Lord. Even then, it’s in those gracious times of
aftermath that I can see how God uses my faults to grow my heart and refine my
spirit. He continues to teach me what it looks like to trust in Him, believe in
Him, and rejoice in Him.
I’ve been
content for most of this past week. Not joyful or excited but not angry or sad.
I’ve been expressive yet reserved and energetic yet dull. I’ve been very matter
of fact, leaving no room for understanding more, and feel shameful for not
celebrating His majesty to the fullest.
Scriptures
tell us that, “the flesh sets its desire
against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in
opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please,”
(Romans 5:17) and I can attest to the fact that this is a valid truth. Later
Paul tells us, “For what I am doing, I do not
understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but
I am doing the very thing I hate… For the good that I want, I do not do, but I
practice the very evil that I do not want.” (Romans 7:15,19) These evils can
come in the smallest of ways with gossiping tongues, elevated tempers, boredoms
of life, and actions of impulse. With hidden motives, loosened chastity,
confused traditions, and created idols, our being wrestles with the good work
our Father is pursuing and the good work that pursues others.
Whether we
know it or not, Jesus is often using us to speak into the lives of others. He
can subtly allow His Spirit to move amongst us, calling to another by way of
just a word, action, or song. Friday I was in Santa Monica visiting a good
friend from France. Stopped at a traffic light I had my windows rolled down in
this crowded intersection. Two punk rockers came strolling down the street (an
identity some might have once associated with me), as one of them left, the
other took stance on the sidewalk quite close to my car, directly in ear shot
of the radio. As the punk rocker stood there, I could tell he was hearing this
song of worship coming from my car. I felt him connect without his notice and I
could see our good Lord planting a seed of growth in this man. He was being
wooed. Not by anything I was saying, or in anyway I interacted with him, but by
the ways of our Sovereign God. In His timing and His way Christ was calling to
this mans heart and I (in the strangest of ways) got to be a part of that.
Praise God.
I can only
imagine what difference it would have made if I were listening to another song.
Would it have mattered at all? I’m going to be bold here, with all confidence,
and say yes. I do believe that moment was divine. I do believe it was in
accordance to God’s perfect will and I do believe I was used in those few
moments. That’s the thing about our use. We’re much more unaware of it than
we’d like to think. At any moment Christ can break through the shadows and it’s
our choice to continually let Him shine in us.
In the
closing chapters of Romans, Paul once again brings attention to the battle of
our flesh and tells us, “Do not be overcome
by evil, but overcome evil with good.” (Romans 12:21) This is my prayer for all
of us. That we stay strong in the ways of God’s Spirit. May we focus on the love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness,
faithfulness, gentleness and self-control, that comes from the Lord (Galatians
5:22) and may we continue to present ourselves as a living sacrifice for glory
of His Kingdom. It’s in His name that I pray, the mighty name of Jesus. Amen!