Bold Circles - Week 30

It’s hard to remember my days and the avenues spent in prayer when so much happens over the course twenty-four hours. I haven’t necessarily been dedicating specific times of communication to the Lord but rather trying to include Him in my moment-to-moment thoughts or decisions. While I’m sure I’ve fallen quite short of this inclusion, Jesus has had His hand on my life regardless. I’ve felt Him put questions or people on my heart for prayer, and in the moment asked very quickly for His Kingdom to come on those impressions. This past week, I’ve left specifics and details out of my conversations with God and feel bold when I use a word to suggest that it was long lasting or in plenty.

While my thoughts are typically filtered through God and I believe His Word is partially instilled on my heart, I am nowhere near to the closeness I want with our Creator. I am not in tune with the whisper of His guidance and long to see His lighted path for my life amongst the shadows. Asking what keeps this desired life at bay I have to question my heart and the truth of my depth. I wonder why this relationship in prayer seems like circles of trying and forgetful attempts at speaking when I certainly know where to go for Living Water.

However it may seem, as if I’m too hard on myself, or if my relationship is a strong one, I often feel inadequate and hypocritical, judgmental and unknowing. My heart wavers on the idea of truth and the control of my will is harder to align with the Spirit’s than I’d hope. Recognizing these realities, I also see how Christ protects me and strengthens me in these weaknesses. More often than not God seems to make it difficult or unflattering to partake in the things of my flesh. Protecting me from my own willed decisions, sometimes I fight harder to satisfy sin, or I put down the concentration it takes to maintain a growing relationship with the Lord. Even then, it’s in those gracious times of aftermath that I can see how God uses my faults to grow my heart and refine my spirit. He continues to teach me what it looks like to trust in Him, believe in Him, and rejoice in Him.

I’ve been content for most of this past week. Not joyful or excited but not angry or sad. I’ve been expressive yet reserved and energetic yet dull. I’ve been very matter of fact, leaving no room for understanding more, and feel shameful for not celebrating His majesty to the fullest.

Scriptures tell us that, “the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please,” (Romans 5:17) and I can attest to the fact that this is a valid truth. Later Paul tells us, “For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate… For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want.” (Romans 7:15,19) These evils can come in the smallest of ways with gossiping tongues, elevated tempers, boredoms of life, and actions of impulse. With hidden motives, loosened chastity, confused traditions, and created idols, our being wrestles with the good work our Father is pursuing and the good work that pursues others.

Whether we know it or not, Jesus is often using us to speak into the lives of others. He can subtly allow His Spirit to move amongst us, calling to another by way of just a word, action, or song. Friday I was in Santa Monica visiting a good friend from France. Stopped at a traffic light I had my windows rolled down in this crowded intersection. Two punk rockers came strolling down the street (an identity some might have once associated with me), as one of them left, the other took stance on the sidewalk quite close to my car, directly in ear shot of the radio. As the punk rocker stood there, I could tell he was hearing this song of worship coming from my car. I felt him connect without his notice and I could see our good Lord planting a seed of growth in this man. He was being wooed. Not by anything I was saying, or in anyway I interacted with him, but by the ways of our Sovereign God. In His timing and His way Christ was calling to this mans heart and I (in the strangest of ways) got to be a part of that. Praise God.

I can only imagine what difference it would have made if I were listening to another song. Would it have mattered at all? I’m going to be bold here, with all confidence, and say yes. I do believe that moment was divine. I do believe it was in accordance to God’s perfect will and I do believe I was used in those few moments. That’s the thing about our use. We’re much more unaware of it than we’d like to think. At any moment Christ can break through the shadows and it’s our choice to continually let Him shine in us.

In the closing chapters of Romans, Paul once again brings attention to the battle of our flesh and tells us, “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” (Romans 12:21) This is my prayer for all of us. That we stay strong in the ways of God’s Spirit. May we focus on the love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control, that comes from the Lord (Galatians 5:22) and may we continue to present ourselves as a living sacrifice for glory of His Kingdom. It’s in His name that I pray, the mighty name of Jesus. Amen!