Nearing the years
end, God has been doing quite the work in my life over the past three weeks.
Trying to stay dedicated in prayer, I’ve read ample works on the doctrines and
history of Scripture but only spent little time in the Word itself. Going deep
into the details of theology has baffled my mind and stirred up my spirit on
multiple fronts. Always looking to deepen my communication with the Lord, I’ve
tried turning my morning commute (15 mins) into a time of engagement. As I
struggle to stay focused in those (what seem to be) long minutes, I spend about
half my drive actually connected. Nightly prayers have not been lengthy and my
overall talks with God have been me just speaking. Still learning how to listen,
I ask for more of His wisdom and confirmation on leadings I feel He’s been giving
me.
Disappointed from
lack of certainty and responses un-favored, I’ve been wrestling with a sadness,
an ungratefulness, and an annoyance of trust. Questioning the idea of
perseverance, I get tired of refinement and the awareness that comes from the
pursuit of His Kingdom. Continually learning things about grace, obedience,
desire, and giving of self, I’ve also discovered more about who He is, How He
lived, and how He’s asked us to submit ourselves to Him. This sometimes painful
process can make one feel misunderstood or unwelcomed, especially when it’s a
talking topic that’s enjoyed quite a bit.
Conversation about
life, who we are, who we’re meant to be, and the purpose or origin of it all,
are ones that excite me and spark my interest more than anything else. However,
when others don’t share the same passion or study of God, discussions can be
seen as judgmental or absurd in belief. The certainty that comes once the facts
are examined are always in question if faith isn’t present and being blessed
with a knowledge on the history of concern, has been damaging to my love of
others, wanting them to know the same.
I’ve encountered more
than one difficult conversation over the past 21 days and have felt the
perception that I think I know better or that what I know to be true shouldn’t
be shared as a matter of fact. I’ve seen dear friends cry because I trust in
the Truth of God’s Word and unfortunately His word can sometimes be hard to
agree with. I’ve had others confused by my desire to lead a Godly life, deeming
it impossible to live like Christ, and told to enjoy my experiences whether
they be holy or not. These tellings are not easy to hear and the heaviness that
comes with the reality of His cross have made me want to reserve my sharing and
disguise my words in a more secular way to placate the ideas that God can never
be known and that truth is all relative, not absolute to the world.
Being able to share
Jesus in a way that doesn’t tell others their wrong has always been a challenge
I’ve fought hard to understand. Trying my hardest to stay humble and loving in
moments of disagreement, I find upsets come more than intended, and wish
proclaiming the Good News always held that wonderful connotation. Though I
thoroughly enjoy discovering what people think and why they do, it can be
looked at as proselytizing when I have questions of logic and start disclose my
reasoned thoughts on the subject of God. Not wanting to hurt others or make it
seem like I’m trying to convert, there’s no easy way to say that everything
aside from the Scriptures of Life are a distortion of accuracy and an imitation
of Truth. Hoping for others to share in the beauty of the Gospel, I’m deemed
pushy and judgmental, too concerned about what relationship people hold with
the Lord (if any). No easy feat is this quest to be more intimate with God or
live in the supernatural ways of His Kingdom as I find purpose from His Great
Commission to spread His teachings to all the nations of this world.
Along with these
difficulties, I’ve also experienced attacks from surrounding darkness. Sending
my heart out in request to a plethora of people it came back dismissed,
overlooked, and set aside. Knowing it wasn’t deliberate, but still looking for
response, I felt undervalued and unimportant, not supported at all. The limited
feedback I got from branching out of my own comfort zone hit hard as I tried
not to take it personal or see this pursuit as a meaningless adventure. I
thought to myself that maybe this was Christ telling me I’m trying to live in
my own will but with small encouragements elsewhere I’m still praying through
it while getting ready to brave my request once more, asking for others to join
me in the same.
As much as it may
seem, that I’m joyful and strong, or how ever it may appear that I’m brave and
willingly able, truth is I’m terrified and steadily reluctant. I constantly
wonder if it’s my imagination that runs wild and if I’m living in selfishness,
with a chip on my shoulder. There is a never-ending battle with my brain, which
has a tendency to feel crazy, but I’m thankful for it’s work that keeps me
questioning. It’s fighting these doubts and searching for answers that remind
me of God’s Truth and reveals more of His goodness. It helps me to realize just
how much He empowers me and how every weakness I have is just an area He shines
in. Though these past few weeks have seemed like a sorrowful trial, I’m blessed
in the fact that the Lord is near. He is working to teach me and gift me in
wisdom. He is unwavering in His love and desires for more of me. I pray for the
equivalent in my longing for Him and ask that these struggles bring glory for
Truth. Jesus, Your will as I pray in in Your name. Amen-
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