Discovered Treasure - Week 42

There’s been so much about this past week that was enjoyed. It was a week connected and as I move into the last nine weeks of this project I ask that the Lord continue to reveal Himself mightily so I may write about His movement and give honor to His name. With a week like this one past, it’s hard to deny the power of God and describe all the ways He interacts with His children. There’s been prayers answered and conversations had that have humbled me to His majesty. For this I give praise to the witnessing that I am allowed to have.

 In my own answered prayers, I finally got the dreams that I have been asking for. Though they were just as confusing as not having any, I did get to thank God for blessing me. They weren’t revelatory by any means nor did they give me wisdom on the clarity I’m still looking for, but they did come, and they were remembered. What’s funny about them is that I knew they were coming. I knew that as soon as I wrote about the disappointment I had in not receiving them and as soon as I changed a part of my lifestyle, that they would come, and they did! God is so good in that way. When He says wait for me, He means it. When He says He will do something, those words do not return void, and it’s in those words that we have the option to draw closer to Him.

Certainly I could have chalked up my absence of dreams to the Lord not answering prayers. I could have given up on asking because after a month I felt as if there was still no movement. I could have put my faith on a shelf to carry on living in a way that disregards acknowledging Christ and all that He is doing, but I decided on the opposite. I changed my actions in a way that I knew to be beneficial to my heart and was given an answer to my call. I put my selfishness on pause and momentarily gave up things that I knew were taking away from His Spirit in me. I spent more time in His Word and more time in conversation only to have the fruits of that time bloom. While it’s true that I may have got apples instead of oranges, the fruit was still present, and it tasted just as sweet.

 In other answered prayers, there was a day this past week that was really bad in the office at work. It started off on very bad note and my boss was in an extremely grumpy way. Thankfully, our new office mate asked if I had any Christian music that I could put on and instead of playing the usual disguised tunes I played some clearly evident worship music. It took no longer than an hour and before those sixty minutes had passed, it was if my boss had forgotten all about the terrible mood he was in. Inviting Holy Spirit into that office, He changed the atmosphere. He made His presence known and calmed the stormy tempers of our workplace. To see Christ work that fast was amazing and to think that in the simplicity of music our Lord ministered to the hearts in that room is astounding but He didn’t stop there.

Along with these answered prayers, I’ve committed daily time to pray for a friend overseas on a mission trip. While I am not directly there and have no way of altering any outcome of their trip, Jesus sure does, and I believe He has heard my intercessory requests. In their already short time there, five people have dedicated their lives to Jesus and three more have been healed from ailments that have affected their lives. Praise God indeed! How wonderful it is that our Father is touching the lives of many, opening the eyes of those who were once blind, and strengthening the trust, love, and desire for relationship with those who already know Him. Hallelujah, amen! More Lord please!

Not only did I get to see and be apart of many answered prayers this past week but I also got to hear of God working outside my immediate world as well. I’ve heard of people feeling sad, worthless, and unappreciated, pouring out their heart in turmoil, who were blessed by the Lord the very next day. I heard of unknowing prayers over people that allowed for forgiveness. I’ve been blessed by others sharing with me how they saw the Lord move so powerfully in the last month of their life that they had trouble describing the truth of it all because the instance was so magnificent. What a week it’s been and how easily I’ve forgotten.

Though I’ve managed to write about some really cool stuff this week I almost left out the part about my workplace being calmed by Christ because it escaped my mind. I nearly passed over the forgiveness I heard about and feel ridiculous because I know there’s more I can’t recall at this time. What a shame I feel for how feeble we are and how quickly we dismiss the blessings of God. I ask that we be tenacious in our remembrance and quick to share even the little things of glory. For it’s in these little things that one might believe and it’s in these little things that He works heavily.  

Lord please continue to open our eyes and give us lips of praise. May You strengthen our minds so that we can recall Your constant goodness and fill us with joy through Your Spirit. God I thank you for all that has happened this week and am hopeful for what’s more to come. Jesus if You will, kindly provide us with an increase of wonder, soften our hearts to the truth of Your name, and lead us to opportunities that allow more witness to Your beauty. In Your name I pray God. Amen!

Overuse of My Own - Week 39, 40, & 41

            

         These past three weeks have been unsure, confused, and in desperate need of fulfillment. Reading my last words I feel encouraged by the beauty I’ve seem to forgotten just weeks after I wrote them. The delay in this entry has not been from lack of available time but more so from lack a of dedicated time. Off and on I’ve spent moments with our Lord but have had trouble rejoicing or even talking with Him in variety. I’ve moped about doing good and was even angry in the way I got to provide for someone looking for help. Perhaps it’s in the way I feel stagnant and flighty but I’ve said more than once this past month that my empathy card has been maxed. There have been more in the usual heartaches of life and this giving of self is growing tired from perceived lack of return. I’m mixed from internal responses and unsure of how to react while the good Lord hears my limited repetitive prayers. Though I feel bad for just thinking what about me, I have to wonder how to take delight in life when I feel so isolated and uninterested.

            In my own head, thinking about the unanswered prayers that directly concern me, I’ve started to get angry. For a month I’ve been sporadically asking for dreams. I’ve told others the same and dialogued about how I’m asking God to reveal His will to me in visions of slumber. I have yet to receive these dreams that I’m craving and then feel ridiculous continuing to ask for the same. I start to question the purpose of living for Christ and selfishly focus on the absurdities of trial. Wanting to be happy, I uttered the opposite, pondering how that sentence could even come out of my mouth. I thought about connections and how they all seem misled, how underlying motivations always seem precedent. With myself included, I speculate the grounds on which friendships are made and believe relating takes both a listen and share.

            Along with asking for dreams, I’ve also been begging for knowledge in clarity but then stop to wonder how much ‘begging” I’ve actually done? Treating Jesus like a distant friend, I go to Him in spurts of commitment. Though I revel in His majesty, I get upset because all I seem to hear is wait and waiting can really make one feel uneasy. Though I know my true desires want to live by His ways, I struggle to sit quietly and understand what it is He is doing. I have a hard time going to Him with everything or even being lengthy in the things that I do. No wonder I feel like my calls are being unanswered because maybe it’s not the Lord who doesn’t respond but our own hearts that are full of deception which limit our understanding.  

             Refocusing my thoughts to think about the time I actually spent in conversation with God over these past three weeks, I can’t recall an abundance and am almost certain there hasn’t been any growth. However, I was fortunate in being invited by our church to commit a week of dedicated daily prayer to people in need. Putting on a bracelet with the name of an individual whom I don’t know at all, I was reminded at least once a day to lift them up in prayer. Lasting only for minute at minimum and no longer than five, it was nice to have the reminder and a specific thing to pray for their name. It felt good to be a part of something from the outside and trust that Jesus blessed this person in their time by revealing His glory.

            During these past few weeks I’ve also seen God do wonderful things for the people I do know. I’ve heard of revelations and impressions that I’ve been asking Christ to give them and am thankful for the way that His love has brightly invaded their lives. I’ve had unbelievers share that they were thinking of me when they were pondering the existence of God and then strangers in faith tell me that I was the first person they’d met in our line of work to be so vocal about Jesus. All great things to give praise for and yet… there’s still been a hole.

            By Thursday, after being increasingly unenthusiastic, I forced myself to spend time in His Word. With nothing left to do, I knew that if I kept doing the same, I’d be stuck in this unloving apathy continuously. Though my mind tried to wander over and over and over again, I pushed to stay present and let His writings sink in. I could feel His Spirit stirring within me and though I cried steadily in reading the Psalms, some slight relief finally came after spending forty minutes or so dedicated to Him. The next day my co-worker noticed the difference in my attitude, told me I was getting there, and to hang onto the Truth. While that’s so easily said and so easily heard, the surrounding wars that fight make it seem so hard to believe.

Thinking about the way that I want to live with God, how intimate I am with Him now, and how much more so I’d like to be, I ask for His help in softening my heart to love Him more. May He show me the way that I was created to live and surround me with people who seek after His name. Let my petitions for dedication not go unheard but oh Lord strengthen my weaknesses and steady my mind. Grant me the joy that I so desperately want and bless me with visions which I know You can give. Jesus please reduce my unwillingness and remove all my spite. Allow me to grow in sharing with You and give me the ears that are hoping to listen. Thank You for Your promises and Your calling for trust. Thank You for loving me and giving me life. In Jesus name. Amen!

Broken Beauty - Week 37 & 38

            I don’t know where to begin in sharing these past two weeks with you. The days have moved quick and I feel disorganized trying to arrange all that has happened. Since my last article, the Lord has been faithfully responding to the cries of my heart. He has shown me the choice I have in daily submission, the decision I have to enjoy it, and the opportunities I get to share it. God has been wonderfully kind to me and as I gather my thoughts for what words will come next I’m reminded of more our Savior has done. 

            Starting last Sunday, God presented me with two invitations I normally wouldn’t accept. Reluctant to spend time with people I casually know and unsure of how to hold it together, I engaged in these events and saw the openings Christ was giving me to strengthen connections. Sure my mind wanted to be at home in bed, isolated and lazy, in the comforts of my own home, but thankfully my spirit spoke louder and I got to partake in the bonding of community.

            Later in the week I took my clothes to a local laundry mat. I’ve done this once or twice since living in Los Angeles but it certainly isn’t my norm and I ran into someone that helped me learn a little more about purpose. After I loaded my clothes into the washers, I sat down to read a book that was required for school. Only a few sentences in, a homeless man (we’ll call him Taft) started up a conversation with me. He was hard to understand, drooling at the mouth, dirty, and quite incoherent. I engaged with him for about five minutes as he talked of prostitutes and the mob that he and his friend were trying to stay away from, then he excused himself and went outside for who knows what. I asked the laundry attendant if I could go sit on the washers as to move away from Taft, probably in his late 50’s, whom I knew would be back. Thankfully the attendant gave me allowance but when Taft came back he returned to me, asking if I could help untie the knot his clothes had spun. Giving assistance, another man came over and struck up a conversation with us. In doing so, Taft asked this newcomer to tighten up his pants with the string that was hanging from his front belt loops. I think it took the new guy a second to register what Taft had just asked him and my first thought was “wow, what a question!” Though Taft was everything I described earlier, he had started to sober up and seemed pretty capable to do this on his own. However, after a beat, I witnessed Taft have a complete stranger lift up his pants and tighten them up good. Oh wow-

            I had undone all Taft’s clothes by this point (2 mismatched shoes, a pair of jeans, and some raggedy socks), he thanked me and told me he’d give me a hug but he understood why he shouldn’t. I nodded my head but extended the hug anyway and it only got a little uncomfortable. Taft and the man came and went for the next 45 minutes or so, while I finished my clothes and continued reading. During one of their quick visits, engaging in brief conversations about different things, Taft asked me what was wrong with him. He told me how he felt gullible and taken advantage of. How he kept giving to his friend who continually got him into trouble and asked what he was to do. Luckily the second gentleman had come back by then and was quick to answer his questions in a supportive yet disregarding way. The two wandered away again and Taft left the mat. Turning back to my book, the next few sentences spoke to me. They talked about Jesus and how He freely gave for us. How our Lord continues to give and why we should give like Him. I felt as if Taft needed to hear these words but he had gone and I really didn’t feel comfortable with the idea of sharing this with him anyway. Finishing my laundry, gathering my things, I headed for the door as Taft walked back in. He didn’t see me and I had all the intention to just walk out that door but… I didn’t. I walked back to Taft, put down my basket, and asked if I could read him something. He agreed and I read to Him about Jesus. I was shaky and the laundry mat was surprisingly busy now, as if all these people had came out of nowhere. I finished the sentences, put my hand on Taft’s heart, and told him he was loved. He didn’t say much after that, but I tell you he looked like a completely different person. His eyes were clear, his face was composed, and he had just brushed his hair. I said goodbye to him and the man who had tightened up Taft’s pants was there as well. I shook his hand and thanked him for what he had done. He didn’t pay no mind to what I had said, but I thanked him again by saying I didn’t think many people would do what he did. I felt privileged to be there that night.

            In asking God to help me and bring me to places where He can be glorified, He certainly provided all that was asked, and if that’s not clear to how powerful Christ is, He did it again this past week.

            It’s been a little rough at work lately and things were in a really sour place for my boss, who was stressed to the max. I stepped outside, early in the day mid week and asked the Lord to mightily intervene. I told him I didn’t know how He was going to do it but asked if He could just make the next call the call my boss was waiting on. Well, 15 minutes later, my boss didn’t get a call, but he got an email. Halleluiah indeed! I got to share that story with my boss walking to lunch that day, but he didn’t seem too impressed because the email wasn’t exactly what he wanted. However, I did get a slight smile out of him and another co-worker walking with us said she thought it was pretty cool too. Praise God!

            In the midst of answering these prayers (among others) and giving me insight to different things I’m talking with Him about, my soul has been peaceful and He’s maintained my joy. I’d love to continue to write that everything’s been sunshine and rainbows since pouring my heart out to Jesus a couple weeks ago, and in the grand scheme of things, I guess it has been. But my surroundings pressure to take that away.

            Since I last made time to write out this journey, I’ve encountered several situations that not only irritated me but others that sadden my heart. My patience was tried and I felt the selfishness of others. There’s been a lack of professional communication in both my work and school life. I was blatantly ignored in person by one friend and got into a rather heated conversation with another. I’ve had my theological views questioned in a cheapened way, listened to others that seem rationally questionable, and made some decisions that could be questioned the same.  Life’s been difficult, I can’t say it’s been easy, but something about these two weeks has been wonderfully beautiful.

            The Lord has been faithfully by my side and I’m learning how to acknowledge more of His presence. How to worship Jesus throughout the day and find peace in His strength. Still how to communicate and listen or watch for His response. How to wait. How to stay in His Word. While He continues to teach me and bring joy to the world, I have to daily make that choice to press into His greatness. I have to balance the outlets of relieving world stressors and run the risk of being called preachy. I have to live in a way that resembles God’s love and continue to be judged by calling His name. Having to do these things, I have to make it clear, I choose to.

            I choose to because He makes the chaos wonderfully beautiful. I choose to because being apart of His power is thrillingly mind blowing. I choose to because I know that there’s nothing better and I choose to because I know He’s the Truth. Jesus, may Your kingdom continue to come! Restore this broken image. God may you illuminate the lives of Your creation and soften our hearts to the wonder of Your majesty. Let us draw close Lord, so You can draw close to us. For Yours is the power and glory forever. Hallelujah, Amen-

            

Extending on Truths - Week 36

You would think because of my writings last week that I would have many praises to report, along with a detailed summary on my progressions in prayer. Truth is I’ve been moody and haven’t felt much interest in communication, or relationship at all. The days have been long, but annoyingly so, and I’ve focused only on the absence of my own greed. Not that my greed was absent because it’s rooted and grows. Without proper tending it consumes my mind and I’m led to distraction. Distraction that dulls and clouds all realities. Distraction that pollutes and distraction that kills. It’s my own self that keeps me from the majesties of Heaven and I wrestle with my sinful heart far more than I rejoice in the presence of Christ. 

I wrote to a dear friend last night saying I’m tired and disappoint myself. I’m disgusted by the doubleness of my life and pray to seekingly abide. I’m lazy in my walk and profess more than I devote. While my light may seem bright the shadows lurk deep. I struggle with commitment and abuse Christ with my own actions. While I want nothing more than to be utterly in love with my Savior my thoughts shout that’s not enough and I weep for the brokenness of my own heart. I told her that I wasn’t sure why my mood had been silent for a few days or why I haven’t felt like talking to anyone. There’s a lie and a greed all in the above.  

The truth of me grieving for my own broken heart may seem helpless and relatable but the selfishness behind it furthers my disgust. I can weep more for myself than for those who are lost. I can become selfish in nature and angry because I’m not getting what I want when I want it. While this egocentric behavior isn’t always in bloom, it felt so this week and my prayers suffered because of it. There’s a lie in the way I mentioned my confusion in silence. I know why I’ve been withdrawn and why I’ve minimized my conversations. I know why I haven’t responded to some and told others I’d call. It’s because I’ve been numbing myself and walking in shadows.

A big struggle of mine is treating my body as a temple. I’m slothful in fitness and intoxicate unnecessarily. The fitness comes and goes. It’s a lovingly hateful relationship, and I quite enjoy both the act and result of when I’m partaking. Shhhh don’t tell me I said that. However, the toxic ingestion that my flesh lies to love, bothers my spirit and tempers my relationship. I presume on the forgiveness that our Father unhesitatingly gives, asking for a pardon while continuing to abuse. I wonder if these things, which take away from my sobriety, affect the nature of my relationship with Christ and I play upon the notion that we continue to refine. But how can I wonder when there’s already truth found in my previous sentence? It: “bothers my spirit and tempers my relationship.” I know that clouding my temple takes away from His Spirit. Even in science there’s proof of a chemical hindrance and an attitude suppressant, but I selfishly engage because I know He forgives me. I willingly create barriers because I know that it’s temporary and here’s where my earthly relationships are affected as well.

If I’m enjoyably doing something that negatively affects my relationship with Christ, of course I’m going to withdraw from sharing these truths with others. I’m going to superficially engage in conversation (which I’m never too fond of) and because I’m exhausted in energy from polluting my rest, I’ll choose secluded isolation over any size engagement. How retched.

I waver on the definition of right and wrong then wonder what harm can come from a brief desensitizing. Truth is I’m not clear on the greyness of this but with words like, toxic, hindrance, suppressant, and tempers, all being termed in unfavorable ways, I ask for our Lord to continue to help me. I fell to my knees and asked Him to remove these stones. Not trying to take on this posture, my legs buckled beneath me, my shoulders felt heavy. I was pushed to the ground as the weight of my selfish sorrows pummeled me easy and I wasn’t here long, but just long enough. Down in the fetal I poured out my anchors. I sat in a genuine position of helplessness, giving it over, asking He’d take it. Unfailingly quick, composure sat in, reminding me earnestly that I’m undeservingly loved. I’m loved in a way, which says I’m deserved, and promised His goodness through all of these battles.

Continuing to press, I’m thankful for Truth. I’m thankful for certainty and the ability to know. I’m thankful for reminders and examples of trust because life can confuse and judgments can cloud. I know that there’s always refreshment in the love of our Savior and that His mercies are habitually new. I know there’s always a hope for making it better and I pray for a dedication to transcend all routine. I ask for a normalcy in the way we communicate and I’m certain Your intentions are nothing but best. God, allow me to know what’s not pleasing to You. Define what You’d wish and give me a strengthened courage to live in that light. Fill me oh Lord so I’m beyond satisfied with You and set me on fire so I seek to glorify Truth.  

I ask that the remaining weeks of this project accomplish Your will Father. May they illuminate the reality of Your majesty and give attention to the beauty of Your life. Help me Jesus to engage more with You. Heighten the joy of being in presence so my heart ceases to rage in the turmoil of self. Continue the good work You’ve started in this and carry on to reveal more of Your power. Lord I pray to pray. Please help me surrender. Amen-