Journeyed Numbers - Week 52 in 53

Late on this last entry of a year that flew by, I was hoping to report on the miraculous works of our Lord and the way that He mightily intervened in my life over the past week. I wanted to share the faithfulness of His love and give glory to our King while assuring the masses that our prayers do not go unheard, giving example in the ways He answered mine. I sat and thought about the things I’ve been sporadically been talking to God about and realized that sometimes we fail to recognize the good gift of engagement we’re constantly given.

I started the last week of this project planning to give Jesus my all, promising myself that I would seek nothing else but to be in fruitful union with Him. I wanted so badly to feel His presence and witness His majesty, being intent to end this year with a big reveal. As much as my heart sought to accomplish this engagement my flesh fought every step of the way. I didn’t spend much time with God. I didn’t give Him much of anything but instead held on to the idea that I’m nothing but a fraud. Week 52 came and went with no desire to write of it’s happenings and honestly it’s in my most recent entries (that covered weeks at a time) that I’ve lost interest in sharing anything at all.

I’ve grown tired of writing about how hard it is to maintain this relationship with Christ, how repetitive my struggles sound, and the echo of profession that the kingdom of God is all I’m after when it personally seems like a falsehood. Growing in knowledge on the assurance of His truth, I’ve become relaxed in the pursuit of where my intentions began and fell short of seeking Him first above all things. However, looking back at the first entry of this year, I see the ways God has been present even when I wasn’t. He has continued teaching me what a life with Him looks like, more about what intimacy truly means, and brought me to a place where my thoughts are continuously (or mostly) fixed on Him. He has certainly answered many prayers of my heart and given me ample opportunities to disclose the wrestling that comes along with daily faith, while I engaged in something that was (is) a battle for me.

Thankful for this year and the completion of these entries, I can’t dismiss the fact that I’ve grown, or that my relationship with Christ has strengthened. Though it may seem miniscule to me, I know that progress has been made in the refining of my Spirit and that He will continue the good work that He began, as long I invite Him to do so. Looking back at this past year, I think the biggest take away I have is that our invitation is essential. God is not One who forces our belief. He is not One to make our decisions for us, nor is He One that wants to restrict the good life, but He is One who will guide our way, He is One who will give us an assured trust, and He is One who will equip us with a strength to live fully for Him, pursuing our hearts relentlessly with a desire that we would draw closer to Him, to give us life abundantly, and to give us Himself.

Returning to the big reveal that I had hoped for in this years end, I can share that I’ve seen God provide in miraculous ways for those who desperately sought Him in this past week. Those that I’ve prayed for and those that honestly put their trust in His faithfulness, leaning on nothing and no one but Christ to fulfill all their pressing needs. I’ve seen God bring people to places of refuge, who felt that His presence was no longer effective, and I’ve witnessed the softening of hearts in people who are blindly wandering. In addition to those miracles, I’ve seen the redemption and refinement of broken people who God uses to touch the lives of others, I’ve heard of graceful words spoken to unreasoned accusations, and felt supported in an encouragement to look beyond the darkness. I've seen all of the above in the past week alone and it’s in all this and more that I give glory to our King, assuring the masses that our prayers do not go unheard.

The necessity of invitation is not the only take away I have from this year. I am also reminded that everyone struggles to hear Christ and feel connected to Him but that the faithfulness of our Lord is a promise that doesn’t return void. He is a good good Father that wants nothing but the best for His children and all that He asks in return is our seeking hearts of worship. He has given us His Word in the form of Scripture, which is alive and active, that allows us to grow in our understanding of who He is. He is bigger and better than anything our thoughts can imagine. The telling glimpses of love that we have now are just a fraction of what we’ll feel when we’re finally at home with our Savior. It’s sharing our eternity to come that gives purpose to our life in the hope that all will understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep His love is.

Lord, I am grateful for this year of growth and for Your unmatched sacrifice on the cross. I thank You for Your consistency and the ways You’ve allowed me to play a part in Your kingdom. Please help me to love You more and shake the feelings that I am a fraud or that any of this is a falsehood because the Truth of the matter is that You are all You say You are and more. Jesus, continue to use me in delight as I take delight You, for I can’t wait to see what You do next! In Your mighty name I pray Father. Amen-

Hearing Hard Hearts - Week 49, 50, & 51

Most of this documented year has been about my communication with God and the struggle I have to grow in intimacy with our Creator. I’ve shared thoughts of process, ways of technique, and the trials that come from refinement. Talking quite a bit about the troubles I have in listening, I began to wonder if it’s my own self that hinders the opening of my ears or the trust I have in His unfailing love that keeps me in a stagnant place. Do I presume so much on God’s grace that I’m unwilling to give up worldly things of enjoyment because I’m already forgiven or does that unwillingness keep me from being truly forgiven? Either way, I have to admit, it doesn’t sound great. 

God has been asking me to reach out to someone who acted unfairly in our friendship at the beginning of this year. Someone I haven’t talked to in 8 months and someone who I feel should be the one contacting me. The Lord has impressed this request upon my heart in many ways. He’s done so by giving me their favorite Scripture, by sending me phone calls intended for them, and even by allowing me to walk right next to this person somewhere unexpected, unnoticed until it was too late (but was it). I’ve resisted and rejected what Holy Spirit has been prompting me to do because I shouldn’t have to. Because it makes me feel like I’m apologizing for something I didn’t do and because I’m uncomfortable thinking about the potential conversation that comes next. Each time I’m reminded about the situation, it upsets me. I stomp my feet, throw a tantrum, and then “forget” about it until the next time Christ invites me to do His will. If I keep asking God to speak to me and then ignore Him when He does, what kind of follower does that make me? Is it true that I’ll only listen if it benefits my immediacy? 

I’ve ignored God in other ways as well. Though He hasn’t directly called me out or convicted my heart of the sin it’s living in, I know my body is His temple. I am not my own and yet I partake in activities that mussy up His dwelling place. I sometimes take pain medication, not because I’m in pain, but because it gives my body a euphoric feeling of relief. I get to turn off the pressures of the day and melt into the design of the drug, justifying it as a glass of wine, reasoning away the suggestions of wrong, giving into the excuses that say it’s okay. Struggling with the greyness of my activities, I wonder how much I desire to live in the divine if I’m choosing alternatives that take away from His Spirit inside me, diluting the soberness of mind we’re called to maintain. I’ve said more than once that I wasn’t going to do it anymore, I’ve told myself I’ll say no the next time it’s offered, I’ve asked friends to monitor my behavior in this activity, and yet… It hasn’t been that long since I last self medicated. 

Unfortunately this list continues with premeditations of potential sin. I sometimes think about the act of intimacy and the next time I’ll be put in a situation to deny my own desires. While I’d love to say I’m certain in my decision of denial, I play ping pong in my head to once again give way for the excuses that say it’s okay, and then look forward to that wanted connection. It’s baffling really. 

How can I say I want nothing more than His kingdom when I ignore His calling? When I partake in “abuse?” Or when I get excited about something I know He’d advise against? Do I want to live my life in the way it was designed? Or do I want to craft my own way of living that casually invites God to bless others and myself as some kind of back burner genie? Lord, please help me to understand because I very much relate to the writings of Paul when he says, “the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want.” (Romans 7:19) With that, let’s not pretend. It’s not the activities I don’t want, but the hypocrisy and disobedience I’d like to separate myself from.   

I’m sure that I want to live a life that brings glory to Jesus, allowing Him to use me with a courage of fearlessness, inviting Him into all aspects of my life, as He continues to mold me in His likeness, but I also believe that calls for sacrifice I haven’t quite given yet. I hold onto these rebellions in the form of control, aiding to lies the enemy gives in order to thwart God’s plan. 

Christ has been so unbelievable kind to me, gifting me with an abundance of my hearts desires. However, “when someone has been given much, much will be required in return; and when someone has been entrusted with much, even more will be required.” (Luke 13:48b) Am I fooling myself to believe I could ever live as God’s child, His bride, His love, if I continue to overlook the will He’d have for me? Am I at ease saying where I am is enough? Or do I really want more? 

It’s these questions that I take with me into the last week of this project and they bring tears to my eyes, being terrified of the answers. Searching for the truth in my heart, one song comes to mind… “Change my heart oh God. Make it ever true. Change my heart oh God. May I be like You.” These things that I profess are easy to say, but Jesus I pray that You continue to aid this broken vessel. Let me love You more as I renounce the things of this world. Let me run towards and seek after all that You’d entrust me with. In your name, my King. Amen! 

Telling of Turmoil - Week 46, 47, & 48

Nearing the years end, God has been doing quite the work in my life over the past three weeks. Trying to stay dedicated in prayer, I’ve read ample works on the doctrines and history of Scripture but only spent little time in the Word itself. Going deep into the details of theology has baffled my mind and stirred up my spirit on multiple fronts. Always looking to deepen my communication with the Lord, I’ve tried turning my morning commute (15 mins) into a time of engagement. As I struggle to stay focused in those (what seem to be) long minutes, I spend about half my drive actually connected. Nightly prayers have not been lengthy and my overall talks with God have been me just speaking. Still learning how to listen, I ask for more of His wisdom and confirmation on leadings I feel He’s been giving me.

Disappointed from lack of certainty and responses un-favored, I’ve been wrestling with a sadness, an ungratefulness, and an annoyance of trust. Questioning the idea of perseverance, I get tired of refinement and the awareness that comes from the pursuit of His Kingdom. Continually learning things about grace, obedience, desire, and giving of self, I’ve also discovered more about who He is, How He lived, and how He’s asked us to submit ourselves to Him. This sometimes painful process can make one feel misunderstood or unwelcomed, especially when it’s a talking topic that’s enjoyed quite a bit.  

Conversation about life, who we are, who we’re meant to be, and the purpose or origin of it all, are ones that excite me and spark my interest more than anything else. However, when others don’t share the same passion or study of God, discussions can be seen as judgmental or absurd in belief. The certainty that comes once the facts are examined are always in question if faith isn’t present and being blessed with a knowledge on the history of concern, has been damaging to my love of others, wanting them to know the same.

I’ve encountered more than one difficult conversation over the past 21 days and have felt the perception that I think I know better or that what I know to be true shouldn’t be shared as a matter of fact. I’ve seen dear friends cry because I trust in the Truth of God’s Word and unfortunately His word can sometimes be hard to agree with. I’ve had others confused by my desire to lead a Godly life, deeming it impossible to live like Christ, and told to enjoy my experiences whether they be holy or not. These tellings are not easy to hear and the heaviness that comes with the reality of His cross have made me want to reserve my sharing and disguise my words in a more secular way to placate the ideas that God can never be known and that truth is all relative, not absolute to the world.

Being able to share Jesus in a way that doesn’t tell others their wrong has always been a challenge I’ve fought hard to understand. Trying my hardest to stay humble and loving in moments of disagreement, I find upsets come more than intended, and wish proclaiming the Good News always held that wonderful connotation. Though I thoroughly enjoy discovering what people think and why they do, it can be looked at as proselytizing when I have questions of logic and start disclose my reasoned thoughts on the subject of God. Not wanting to hurt others or make it seem like I’m trying to convert, there’s no easy way to say that everything aside from the Scriptures of Life are a distortion of accuracy and an imitation of Truth. Hoping for others to share in the beauty of the Gospel, I’m deemed pushy and judgmental, too concerned about what relationship people hold with the Lord (if any). No easy feat is this quest to be more intimate with God or live in the supernatural ways of His Kingdom as I find purpose from His Great Commission to spread His teachings to all the nations of this world.

Along with these difficulties, I’ve also experienced attacks from surrounding darkness. Sending my heart out in request to a plethora of people it came back dismissed, overlooked, and set aside. Knowing it wasn’t deliberate, but still looking for response, I felt undervalued and unimportant, not supported at all. The limited feedback I got from branching out of my own comfort zone hit hard as I tried not to take it personal or see this pursuit as a meaningless adventure. I thought to myself that maybe this was Christ telling me I’m trying to live in my own will but with small encouragements elsewhere I’m still praying through it while getting ready to brave my request once more, asking for others to join me in the same.

As much as it may seem, that I’m joyful and strong, or how ever it may appear that I’m brave and willingly able, truth is I’m terrified and steadily reluctant. I constantly wonder if it’s my imagination that runs wild and if I’m living in selfishness, with a chip on my shoulder. There is a never-ending battle with my brain, which has a tendency to feel crazy, but I’m thankful for it’s work that keeps me questioning. It’s fighting these doubts and searching for answers that remind me of God’s Truth and reveals more of His goodness. It helps me to realize just how much He empowers me and how every weakness I have is just an area He shines in. Though these past few weeks have seemed like a sorrowful trial, I’m blessed in the fact that the Lord is near. He is working to teach me and gift me in wisdom. He is unwavering in His love and desires for more of me. I pray for the equivalent in my longing for Him and ask that these struggles bring glory for Truth. Jesus, Your will as I pray in in Your name. Amen-

Blossoming Blessings - Week 43, 44, & 45

                           

             I’ve mentioned before that delays of writing have not been from lack of available time but more so from lack a of dedicated time. However, this delay came opposite. Life has been quite busy and every time I think I have a moment to slow down and breathe, it picks up again quickly. Between work, school, and other obligations, there’s been little time to rest but a good amount of engagement and I’ve taken to new avenues of praying that I believe have impacted my relationship with Jesus.

            Though I have not written a letter to God in over two months I have been sharing my heart with Him on a continual basis. I’ve managed to not only read the verse of the day almost habitually, but I’ve also started reading the full chapter it comes from. Just this little choice, that takes no longer than 10 minutes, has allowed for new ways in communicating. It’s in these chapters that I’ve found words of encouragement, strength, and conviction. Words that I am able to repeat back to God, turning them into my own prayer for more of His kingdom. How thankful I am for these words that were inspired by God Himself.

             I’ve realized in my quest for prayer this year (though I’ve known it all along) that everyone has something they need prayer for and when I’ve been irritated by the unawareness in others (something we all have) or the annoyances that come with those irritations, I’ve tried my best to turn it into a prayer for that person. I’ve asked Jesus to bless those I’m angry with, to give knowledge to those who seem oblivious, and to guide those who aren’t even seeking.

In these past three weeks I have seen God do many miraculous things. I have seen Him work in the heart of others and reveal His sovereign control over everything, no matter how small the detail. He’s come through on His Word to remain faithful and as I think about my own faithfulness I see how more attention allows for more revelation. I see how the more we seek the more we’re shown and how the Lord does not fail to open our eyes from request.

There was a point this past week where my dependence on God was the only thing I had left. I threw away all my own thoughts and just started to pray. I prayed for a good fifteen minutes before I got word that things had started to move but weren’t clear of obstruction. I continued to pray. I prayed for another ten minutes straight. No lie, all I could do in these twenty-five minutes was pray and when my mind only slightly started to drift I quickly refocused it to my conversation with our King. Talking to God about the situation at hand and asking in confidence for His will to be done, trusting that He would provide what’s best, I prayed for what seemed like an eternity. Then when I felt like I had nothing else to pray I started singing. I sang the songs of worship that came to mind and allowed for those words to be lifted as prayer. How thankful I am for those lyrics (prayers) that have been written by friends in Spirit. Just over thirty minutes after I started this prayer His strength broke through. I got word on completion and obstacles solved. Praise God! In this setting, I praised His name in a room full of strangers, professed His reality, and gave credit to where credit was due. God almighty!

Aside from my personal prayer life, I also called on a friend of mine to meet up and pray. We hadn’t done this together before and it had been awhile since we last saw each other, so we spent a good amount of time catching up. During this time I heard of and related to the struggling commitment it takes to spend time with Jesus. I heard of and related to the desire for relational inclusion but the hindrance from lack of progressive movement and shared of the recent trials that have been mixed in my blessings. All this conversation led to our time in prayer together. Not short, but not long, we came before the Lord with praise and request. Feeling His Spirit move amongst us, my heart was delighted, racing at moments, while my whole body remained calm. Not searching for things to say, but by letting Him lead, the time was well spent and I can’t wait for another.

Wanting to stick with this corporal prayer, I had another long conversation with a different friend of mine that week. While talking about the happenings in our life we ended our conversation in asking each other for prayer but instead of taking these requests to the Lord separately we decided to come to Him right there. Lifting each other up to the will of our Father, we sat on the phone and engaged with God together, for each other. How blessed was that time and how thankful I am for these people of willing faith. May God continue to kindly surround me with the same.

I ask the good Lord to help me maintain these habits I’m starting to form because just today I started to feel a slip. I woke up exhausted and grumpy at that. I struggled to smile and wanted nothing more than to isolate myself in slumber, even after all the glorious things that have been happening. Thinking of reaching out for prayer I decided against it for whatever reason and wouldn’t you know it, a friend of mine, the friend I wanted to reach out to, checked up on me twice today saying I had been on her heart all day. Praise God! Even in my disgruntled way He is still looking out for me. He knows what I (we) need before I (we) say a word and how thankful I am to be a child of His. More Lord, please. In the name of Jesus I pray. Hallelujah, amen!

Discovered Treasure - Week 42

There’s been so much about this past week that was enjoyed. It was a week connected and as I move into the last nine weeks of this project I ask that the Lord continue to reveal Himself mightily so I may write about His movement and give honor to His name. With a week like this one past, it’s hard to deny the power of God and describe all the ways He interacts with His children. There’s been prayers answered and conversations had that have humbled me to His majesty. For this I give praise to the witnessing that I am allowed to have.

 In my own answered prayers, I finally got the dreams that I have been asking for. Though they were just as confusing as not having any, I did get to thank God for blessing me. They weren’t revelatory by any means nor did they give me wisdom on the clarity I’m still looking for, but they did come, and they were remembered. What’s funny about them is that I knew they were coming. I knew that as soon as I wrote about the disappointment I had in not receiving them and as soon as I changed a part of my lifestyle, that they would come, and they did! God is so good in that way. When He says wait for me, He means it. When He says He will do something, those words do not return void, and it’s in those words that we have the option to draw closer to Him.

Certainly I could have chalked up my absence of dreams to the Lord not answering prayers. I could have given up on asking because after a month I felt as if there was still no movement. I could have put my faith on a shelf to carry on living in a way that disregards acknowledging Christ and all that He is doing, but I decided on the opposite. I changed my actions in a way that I knew to be beneficial to my heart and was given an answer to my call. I put my selfishness on pause and momentarily gave up things that I knew were taking away from His Spirit in me. I spent more time in His Word and more time in conversation only to have the fruits of that time bloom. While it’s true that I may have got apples instead of oranges, the fruit was still present, and it tasted just as sweet.

 In other answered prayers, there was a day this past week that was really bad in the office at work. It started off on very bad note and my boss was in an extremely grumpy way. Thankfully, our new office mate asked if I had any Christian music that I could put on and instead of playing the usual disguised tunes I played some clearly evident worship music. It took no longer than an hour and before those sixty minutes had passed, it was if my boss had forgotten all about the terrible mood he was in. Inviting Holy Spirit into that office, He changed the atmosphere. He made His presence known and calmed the stormy tempers of our workplace. To see Christ work that fast was amazing and to think that in the simplicity of music our Lord ministered to the hearts in that room is astounding but He didn’t stop there.

Along with these answered prayers, I’ve committed daily time to pray for a friend overseas on a mission trip. While I am not directly there and have no way of altering any outcome of their trip, Jesus sure does, and I believe He has heard my intercessory requests. In their already short time there, five people have dedicated their lives to Jesus and three more have been healed from ailments that have affected their lives. Praise God indeed! How wonderful it is that our Father is touching the lives of many, opening the eyes of those who were once blind, and strengthening the trust, love, and desire for relationship with those who already know Him. Hallelujah, amen! More Lord please!

Not only did I get to see and be apart of many answered prayers this past week but I also got to hear of God working outside my immediate world as well. I’ve heard of people feeling sad, worthless, and unappreciated, pouring out their heart in turmoil, who were blessed by the Lord the very next day. I heard of unknowing prayers over people that allowed for forgiveness. I’ve been blessed by others sharing with me how they saw the Lord move so powerfully in the last month of their life that they had trouble describing the truth of it all because the instance was so magnificent. What a week it’s been and how easily I’ve forgotten.

Though I’ve managed to write about some really cool stuff this week I almost left out the part about my workplace being calmed by Christ because it escaped my mind. I nearly passed over the forgiveness I heard about and feel ridiculous because I know there’s more I can’t recall at this time. What a shame I feel for how feeble we are and how quickly we dismiss the blessings of God. I ask that we be tenacious in our remembrance and quick to share even the little things of glory. For it’s in these little things that one might believe and it’s in these little things that He works heavily.  

Lord please continue to open our eyes and give us lips of praise. May You strengthen our minds so that we can recall Your constant goodness and fill us with joy through Your Spirit. God I thank you for all that has happened this week and am hopeful for what’s more to come. Jesus if You will, kindly provide us with an increase of wonder, soften our hearts to the truth of Your name, and lead us to opportunities that allow more witness to Your beauty. In Your name I pray God. Amen!