This Joyful Heart - Week 9

If all I wrote this week were WOW, it would perfectly sum up the time I’ve been having. Not much else seems to describe these past seven days. Though I was away from home for Thanksgiving, I couldn’t be more thankful for the life that God has so richly blessed me with. I’ve met some amazing people, experienced some amazing adventures, and had some amazing food.

Spending this last week on the lands that Jesus himself walked, I am all the more sure that He is the reason for life itself. He has graciously given us what no other person could/can and He did so in the humblest way. He has given me life and life abundantly through the offering of His own. He has set me free from the subjects of the law and personally filled my heart with His love. Being able to see first hand what I’ve been reading about for the past 11 years has made me appreciate the validity of the Scriptures even more. I am in awe of how long they’ve remained and how closely they match up to the original autographs.

Being uncertain of this time before I left my home, my heart was swollen with fears. Fears that I wouldn’t feel connected to Christ, fears that I wouldn’t find what I was looking for, and fears that made my eyes heavy with tears. I am excited to report that none of that was true. I felt extremely connected to Christ, the Father, and His Spirit. I found more than I thought I was looking for and while there were still tears, they were tears of gratitude. God gifted me with a group of people that welcomed me, challenged me, and made me feel as if I were right at home.

There were only 14 of us on this amazing escapade and each one of them brought something unique to the travel. The special intimacy of a group like this (ordinarily triple plus what we had) allowed us to get to know each other, develop relationships, and witness a composition that came directly from God. Even if there were some in the group that didn’t share in the belief of Christ as God incarnate, there was no doubt something miraculous about what we shared. There was, from my point of view, no doubt that our Lord was at work in every single heart of each person on this journey. For that I am thankful and for that I give praise. I couldn’t have asked for a better group of strangers to grow into friendship and this is how I found more than I was looking for.

Before I left I was hopeful that God would give me clarity about direction in my life, that He would define my purpose, and give me revelations of new. I don’t know if I got exactly that, but I do know that He gave me things I didn’t think to ask for. He gave me a better understanding of what it means to live in the moment, He gave me a better comprehension of what it means to be alive in Him, and a bigger respect for what He actually did for us. Each day I am learning what it means to be a follower of Christ, and each day (for the most part) I ask to love Him more. I can say assuredly that I fell deeper in love with our Savior this past week. Not only because of what He has done for us, but also for what He is continually doing for us.

Christ is constantly pursuing our hearts. He is patiently calling us to come closer to Him, and if we begin understand what He actually wants from us, it makes the sacrificial life a willing one. Because of what God sacrificed for us, we in turn learn to sacrifice ourselves in a way that exposes the truth of what and who He is… A good good Father that cares about each one of us individually. A loving comforter who showers us with an unconditional grace. God has blessed me with this wisdom and I pray the same for you as He continues to call you deeper still.

On to the matter of praying this week, there was no shortage. I engaged with Him in the mornings, I engaged with Him in the evenings, and pretty regularly, all throughout the day. I didn’t feel the need to write to the Lord this week because my heart was already concentrated on Him, but I have to admit I did miss the lines of prayers I’ve regularly been lifting up to Him. Not that God doesn’t know these prayers are in my heart, but I do believe there to be power in voicing them (or in this case writing them). So much so that I have to thank everyone who prayed for me this past week. I believe the good Lord has answered those prayers in filling me with a peaceful joy, a leading Spirit, and a grateful heart. You all have blessed me in the ways of our Savior and I am so appreciative of the time you gave.

In the coming weeks I am going to try and concentrate on listening to God (something I think I’ve mentioned before). Though I feel like He speaks to me in situational ways, I would love to hear Him more internally. I also want to start asking the Lord for things of the future. The Scriptures tell us that we do not have because we do not ask. (James 4) By no means am I saying that I lack anything I need, for Christ has fulfilled all for me, but there are still certain things that I would like to see come to fruition. There are still things that I need clarity in. So God, grant me your wisdom of things unknown and reveal to me the ways in which we can impact the world together. In Your name I pray Lord. Amen!

Beauties of God - Week 8

What a difference some days make! I had a tough time being joyful last week. God was answering prayers and revealing His power to me, yet I chose to remain in a shadowy state of complaint. My heart still aches, but I’ve managed to control some of my tears (not all). There’s only a slight force of smile now and my laugh has once again become genuine. I found myself not only wanting to be productive in keeping busy this week, but also a satisfaction in decently doing so. Christ gifted me with a peace after being bad-tempered, but it wasn’t a peace that took all my hurt, fear, or questions away. It was more of a peace that brought appeasement.

            There were many things I actually enjoyed doing these past seven days. Even personalities or situations that would normally bother me had no impact on my mood. I kept a very even type of temperament throughout the week and nothing was too expressive, but nothing was too sheltered either. I have to say it was a pretty good week… But in terms of praying, I wasn’t too hot.

I don’t think many nightly prayers were said and I even told God in my letter this week (the one and only) that I just didn’t feel like talking. However, I did notice something strange (at least I thought it was). I noticed that twice this week waking up, during a state of not fully awake but not quite asleep, I already seemed to be thinking (dare I say praying?). My thoughts were already in motion as my mind awoke, but I hardly knew where they were moving. I wasn’t able to capture those thoughts or even concentrate on them, but it would have been nice to identify what was so importantly sending me off to the races. The only thing that I can assume is that the Holy Spirit was praying on my behalf. God knew my heart wanted to commune with Him regardless of what I had told Him. Praise God for that! While I’m resistant, He’s still working, both this week and last, both now and forever.

I did think a lot about God this week and I spent some time getting to know Him through other people’s thoughts, along with the daily Word. Finishing one book on prayer and starting another on following God, I got to spend some time with the Almighty. Time that I’m grateful for and time that I was interested in. Despite the truth behind that time, I somehow felt disconnected this week. Not distant or missing, but out of sync. I never felt like the Lord wasn’t with me, I never felt like I was empty, but I did feel separate. Could this have been because my prayers were limited?

A good friend of mine paid me a long over due visit this week. I hadn’t seen her in about a year and I was happy we finally got to sit down together. During our time she told me that she felt like she wasn’t doing something right, as if she was missing something because other people seem to talk to God so freely, other people seem to really be loving the Lord, excited about just knowing Him. She told me that she had no problem telling others about the wonderful graces of God, the things that He’d done for her, or the trust they should put in Christ as their Savior, but then she told me that she didn’t feel it herself. She told me that she felt like a hypocrite. My friend asked me what she was missing, why she wasn’t feeling excited, why her mind was drifting from the comforting riches that only God could provide, and instead harboring thoughts of loneliness, dread, and fear.

Wow! I did my best in the topic of conversation, but it was hard for me to hear those questions. They were hard because I have them myself and because my friend is 65-years-old. This is a woman whose faith has been present for over two decades (possibly three or four). I’ve known this woman more than a few years now and never once would I have guessed she felt so fake. She’s been an inspiration to me in my walk and fully willing to sacrifice herself for the benefit of others. She is a woman after God’s own heart! So why then, how then, could she feel like the Lord wasn’t enough for her, especially when she knows He is? That was one of the toughest questions I think we discussed and one that underlined all others. How come we feel like our relationship with God isn’t enough? I’m not talking just about the ways we feel we could be doing more for His kingdom but also in the ways that we feel loved or fulfilled. After hours of conversation, I still have no satisfying answer to that. I know I’ve had that same conversation countless times, with countless people, in all positions of faith, and that makes me sure it’s normal to feel that way. However, knowing that answer still doesn’t make it satisfying.

I think it’s strange… perhaps the better word is miraculous, that everything my friend wanted to talk about was something I myself had recently been feeling. It’s as if God was saying to both of us that it was okay to feel all that we had but that we needed to stop looking at other people to be critical of ourselves. We need to stop looking at what we think others have with Lord and live in the reality of what we both individually do. What we all do.

Sometimes we don’t hear God, sometimes we don’t feel excited, sometimes we feel like we aren’t doing anything right, or as if we could be doing more. Sometimes we feel disengaged or absent, empty or hypocritical, lonely or fearful. All those things are normal, all those thing are understandable, and all those things add to the beauty of God.

Half-Hearted Realities - Week 7

I write with a heavy heart this week despite the multitude of prayers I’ve seen God answer. This aching I’m experiencing is distracting, consuming, and very tiring. Though it’s possible my sorrow comes from our current surroundings I somehow feel it’s my own struggle that has me so weighted and the reluctance to be joyful in the Spirit that has my mind a wreck. Our God has been wonderfully working in my life. He has given me reasons to praise Him and yet I’ve been begrudgingly responding to the love He’s shown me.

Recently I’ve been praying for new things, restored things, and energetic things. I’ve been praying for others and myself to lean on God, know His truth, and be curious as to who our Lord really is. While I know there’s a lot more prayer to be done, God has been faithful in revealing His power to me this week, along with the stubborn lying that’s in my heart.

My week started in a get together with my dad who I haven’t seen in over a year. I initiated the get together, with help from the Holy Spirit, but even as I was doing it, I didn’t want to. I asked my dad if I could join him last Sunday and was a little angry that the Spirit had asked me to reach out, despite the prayers of restoration I was voicing about that relationship. Instead of praising God for the answered prayer and the strength to put the past in the past, I was upset by the light He was shedding on the darkness of my heart. While I’m almost positive that I’d like a healthy relationship with my dad, the forgiveness of hurt is so much harder than I’d like it to be. The ability to “let it go” is something a part of me wants to hold on to. I thought about canceling, I thought about turning around as I was driving there, I thought about everything that had happened, the things that are still happening now, and decided it best to see what God had for me, for us. Truth is, it wasn’t bad. Sure there were moments I felt uncomfortable, moments I was internally angry, moments I felt weak, but all in all, I think it was the start of a healing I need in my life. And God didn’t stop there.

In my previous week, I had been asking the Lord and voicing in conversation that I wanted to get back to focusing on my health (which encompasses a variety of things). So what did He do? He sent me a friend that encouraged our fitness. Three times this week I exercised my body. Yoga twice, with a hike in between, which is the most I’ve done in over a month. Again, instead of giving the good Lord praise, I complained about doing the workouts. Even during the exercise my body wanted to stop and I felt angry about doing them. Sure there was completion in each routine and I knew I was benefitting from them, but each time I resented doing it. God answers prayers and I’m irritated? God has graciously been responding to me and I’m bad-tempered about it? Apparently so… and it doesn’t stop there.

A friend of mine has been growing closer to God, something I’ve been praying for. I’ve asked God to draw closer to her as her eyes begin to see His truth. Well, He’s been doing just that. He’s been speaking to her in phenomenal ways. He’s given her things she’s asked for and has responded with a quickness that somehow seems unbelievable. All things to praise God for and yet, if I’m honest, I’m a little jealous. The clarity and direction He’s given her is more than beautiful, and though clearly God has been answering my prayers, I feel like her answers are more defined and more advancing. However, there’s a lurking thought that maybe her time with the Lord has been more genuine and more pure. A thought that’s surely disturbed but a thought that resonates regardless. And still there’s more…

I’ve been saying aloud and writing to God that I’d like nothing more than to be utterly and completely in love with Him, making Him my husband, my lover, and my best friend, with no distractions that could take my heart from Him. There’s a concrete truth in this but perhaps a little lie that hardens my heart. Truth is, I want the earthly love of companionship. I want to live a life fully dedicated to Christ with support from a significant other to strengthen that walk. In desiring these things, I’ve met someone who (in a way) changed my life. I became very close to this person, giving him a good portion of my heart, feeling like I received his in return. We had been in constant communication up until recently and while the stop in communication hurts me deeply, I can’t help but think God is answering a prayer in this. Maybe it’s not the time, maybe he’s not the person, maybe God has something far better in store for my future, but aside from all these maybes, I’m still resentful because I wanted him to be the one to dedicate his life to Christ and spread the Good News with me. I wanted him to love me. In a way, I feel like this cut in communication has hindered the devotion I’m looking to give the Lord. I’ve spent days pretending to smile. Days half-heartedly seeking the Lord for help. Though my heart may be divided, I am reminded that my ultimate prayer for this person, was for him to know the truth of Christ, and I believe that prayer is taking root. A joyful thing indeed, but a hurtful one at that.

Thinking about all these things, I can’t believe I’m in such a bad way. I can’t seem to shake the sadness that’s growing in my heart, and while those who increase in wisdom, also increase in sorrow, I ask for the Lord’s joy as He continues to increase in me.

A Child of Three - Week 6

This week has been an interesting one. While I’ve had the abundant blessing of time, it seems like it’s all been rushed, going by faster than I would have ever imagined, and leaving me thoughtless as to what write about. Instead of trying to find the words, the stories to share, or ideas I’ve had, I thought it best to just write about what’s happening in my life and how I see the Spirit working.

I’ve been wrestling with how to listen to God, with how He speaks to me, and the time I give in listening. I was brought to my knees in prayer this week, only once, after the only letter I wrote to Him, and experienced a flow in audible prayer that even I was surprised with. In my prayer I could feel the Spirit’s words come out of my mouth. The things I was praying and the way they were said lifted me to a place where I felt connected with God. As I poured out what was on my heart (things I didn’t even know were there), suddenly my words stopped, and there was wave of silence that came over me. In this silence I heard nothing, I thought nothing, and everything was completely still. The silence didn’t last long and I was unsure of why it came, but when it was over I felt calm. That was the end of my prayer that night; basking in the minute of silence the Lord gave me.

The next day I met up with a friend to catch up on the happenings of life. She told me how God had spoken to her in the past weeks and how He’s moved her to a new season of life. We talked for hours about leading and listening, who we are in Christ, and how He’s continuing to shape us. In our conversation there was praise (no doubt) but there was also the sharing of our fears we have in living with Him. Fears that were strikingly similar and fears that I’ve found even more people have. Am I doing enough? As we talked about the shortcomings we felt in our walk, it became apparent that the root of our fear was the desire for more of God and the life we wanted to live for Him. A life we felt we weren’t holding up to. Discussing the future of where we wanted to be with God led us to conclude that we could be what we wanted in the present. We could entrust to God the feelings of less than, the feelings of loneliness, the feelings of more, and ask Him to help us be who we are now. Children of God.

After our time together, a new day began. My morning was blessed in the way I got to help a friend in need, followed by an afternoon of more engaging conversation with another. This conversation mirrored the one I had the night before but it was different all in it’s own. We talked about seasons and fears we both shared along with the leadings we were both asking for. I told her I had been struggling with my experience at church and how I wanted to be a part of what was happening but with the set backs I’ve experienced the past few months, I wasn’t sure that it was the place for me. Along with her attentive ear, she provided encouraging suggestions, and seemed to relate in the ways I suggested it could be my own heart preventing me to take further action. I left our time together thankful and full of things to talk to God about (some of which I think I did).

This same day I met with a friend who is facing an unfortunate amount of time that lies before him. Despite what is coming, he rejoiced in knowing that God would strengthen him and that he would have the opportunity to work on areas of his life that he wanted to change. I was inspired by his smile regardless of what was coming and taken back by his ability to live in the moment. We spent that night not worried about anything, enjoying the simplicities of life, along each other’s company. Though he was burdened with thoughts of anxiety, he was able to be what he wanted in the present. A child of God.

The next day (yesterday), as I left my friend with his future, my present was tired. I got home about 6 in the evening, fell asleep shortly after, then slept the whole night through. I awoke this morning to sit down and work on my article, but I had difficulty in trying to arrange my thoughts. I read the Word, straightened the house, and talked to a few people before picking up a different book by Robert Morris entitled Frequency. I cried when reading this book about listening to God. Morris shared stories which made me desperately long for the type of communication he described with our Savior. It’s now been hours since I’ve read those words that made me cry and I’m realizing that while my communication looks different at the moment, it’s a communication nonetheless, and it’s a communication that can be strengthened.

I received an email from church today asking me if I’d be willing to join the regular serve rotation in greeting our members. Though there could be a variety of reasons this email was sent personally to me, I believe it was God who initiated this request (or response to my prayers). My communication might not be exactly as Morris described, but it gives me something to look forward to in the ways that I know that God speaks. For now, I continue to pray for ears that listen and eyes to see the ways in which Christ communicates with me. May the Lord allow me to rest more in His silence and hear more of His guiding truth while living as His child.