I write with a heavy heart this
week despite the multitude of prayers I’ve seen God answer. This aching I’m
experiencing is distracting, consuming, and very tiring. Though it’s possible
my sorrow comes from our current surroundings I somehow feel it’s my own
struggle that has me so weighted and the reluctance to be joyful in the Spirit
that has my mind a wreck. Our God has been wonderfully working in my life. He
has given me reasons to praise Him and yet I’ve been begrudgingly responding to
the love He’s shown me.
Recently I’ve been praying for new
things, restored things, and energetic things. I’ve been praying for others and
myself to lean on God, know His truth, and be curious as to who our Lord really
is. While I know there’s a lot more prayer to be done, God has been faithful in
revealing His power to me this week, along with the stubborn lying that’s in my
heart.
My week started in a get together
with my dad who I haven’t seen in over a year. I initiated the get together,
with help from the Holy Spirit, but even as I was doing it, I didn’t want to. I
asked my dad if I could join him last Sunday and was a little angry that the
Spirit had asked me to reach out, despite the prayers of restoration I was
voicing about that relationship. Instead of praising God for the answered
prayer and the strength to put the past in the past, I was upset by the light
He was shedding on the darkness of my heart. While I’m almost positive that I’d
like a healthy relationship with my dad, the forgiveness of hurt is so much harder
than I’d like it to be. The ability to “let it go” is something a part of me
wants to hold on to. I thought about canceling, I thought about turning around
as I was driving there, I thought about everything that had happened, the things
that are still happening now, and decided it best to see what God had for me, for
us. Truth is, it wasn’t bad. Sure there were moments I felt uncomfortable,
moments I was internally angry, moments I felt weak, but all in all, I think it
was the start of a healing I need in my life. And God didn’t stop there.
In my previous week, I had been
asking the Lord and voicing in conversation that I wanted to get back to
focusing on my health (which encompasses a variety of things). So what did He
do? He sent me a friend that encouraged our fitness. Three times this week I
exercised my body. Yoga twice, with a hike in between, which is the most I’ve
done in over a month. Again, instead of giving the good Lord praise, I
complained about doing the workouts. Even during the exercise my body wanted to
stop and I felt angry about doing them. Sure there was completion in each
routine and I knew I was benefitting from them, but each time I resented doing
it. God answers prayers and I’m irritated? God has graciously been responding
to me and I’m bad-tempered about it? Apparently so… and it doesn’t stop there.
A friend of mine has been growing
closer to God, something I’ve been praying for. I’ve asked God to draw closer
to her as her eyes begin to see His truth. Well, He’s been doing just that.
He’s been speaking to her in phenomenal ways. He’s given her things she’s asked
for and has responded with a quickness that somehow seems unbelievable. All
things to praise God for and yet, if I’m honest, I’m a little jealous. The
clarity and direction He’s given her is more than beautiful, and though clearly
God has been answering my prayers, I feel like her answers are more defined and
more advancing. However, there’s a lurking thought that maybe her time with the
Lord has been more genuine and more pure. A thought that’s surely disturbed but
a thought that resonates regardless. And still there’s more…
I’ve been saying aloud and writing
to God that I’d like nothing more than to be utterly and completely in love
with Him, making Him my husband, my lover, and my best friend, with no
distractions that could take my heart from Him. There’s a concrete truth in
this but perhaps a little lie that hardens my heart. Truth is, I want the
earthly love of companionship. I want to live a life fully dedicated to Christ
with support from a significant other to strengthen that walk. In desiring
these things, I’ve met someone who (in a way) changed my life. I became very
close to this person, giving him a good portion of my heart, feeling like I
received his in return. We had been in constant communication up until recently
and while the stop in communication hurts me deeply, I can’t help but think God
is answering a prayer in this. Maybe it’s not the time, maybe he’s not the
person, maybe God has something far better in store for my future, but aside
from all these maybes, I’m still resentful because I wanted him to be the one
to dedicate his life to Christ and spread the Good News with me. I wanted him
to love me. In a way, I feel like this cut in communication has hindered the
devotion I’m looking to give the Lord. I’ve spent days pretending to smile.
Days half-heartedly seeking the Lord for help. Though my heart may be divided,
I am reminded that my ultimate prayer for this person, was for him to know the
truth of Christ, and I believe that prayer is taking root. A joyful thing
indeed, but a hurtful one at that.
Thinking about all these things, I
can’t believe I’m in such a bad way. I can’t seem to shake the sadness that’s
growing in my heart, and while those who increase in wisdom, also increase in
sorrow, I ask for the Lord’s joy as He continues to increase in me.
the devil, he gets angry when prays are answered. and "the greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing me that i was him...." you're on the right track baby girl.... i can't wait to see you tonight.
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